The Bold Life: Loving Choices Change Lives

by Tess

You're My Best Friend!

Creative Commons License photo credit: therapy

Gift Yourself with Loving Choices

Making the highest choice possible in each moment of your life is a gift you give yourself. Before eating, speaking, working, or taking any kind of action ask yourself, 

"Does this choice honor me?"

For example:

I'm upset with my friend. We were suppose to go to a party and at the last minute she cancels. 

She has a habit of doing this.

I shouldn't be surprised. Even though I know better I'm angry. 

Seems to me "it's all about her." Always! 

Can't count on her anymore. 

Now, I don't want to go either. So I don't. I miss the party as well.


Then I decide I'm going to text her and tell her exactly how I feel.

How dare her? How could she? Who does she think she is? 


Before I push "send" I hesitate. I pause and ask myself,

"Is what I'm about to send self-honoring?" 

My answer is no.

I delete the text…frustrated yet "knowing better"

I'm still angry.

Then I see my journal lying on the coffee table.

I pick it up. I write. 

I write out my anger. I write out my loneliness. I write out my projections.

I feel better.

I have clarity. 

I realize my issue is wanting to spend time with someone who is unavailable. 

I know better. I know she's a workaholic. I knew prior to inviting her.

I know it's my responsibility to teach people how to treat me. I know it's my responsibility to choose "available" friends. I know I can create my own drama.

I decide this has happened too many times.

I make a decision. I quit banging my head against the wall. It hurts. 

It's time to move on…to a new friend. A new opportunity. A new possibility.

I'm taking a deep breath now. 

I ask myself, "Is this a self-honoring choice"

I answer, yes.

This one question when asked and answered respectfully can mean the difference between a life of despair and a life of happiness.

Loving choices fulfill us and create joy in our lives. Loving choices connect us to our soul.

We all have the right and responsibility to have a great life.

How do we make it so? 

One self-honoring choice at a time. 

Ask yourself repeatedly through out your day, "Does this choice honor me?"

If it does not you have the option to choose again.

When we end relationships it's important to celebrate and honor the experience. We don't move on because one person is better than another. It's simply not true. Moving on is simply a honoring choice.

It's important to keep our egos out of it.

We gift ourselves and others with the space for something better.

I love my friend from a distance. I honor her. She is set free and I am set free.

All is well between us.

My favorite prayer is "I bless you. I release you. I set you free. I allow you to be you and you to be me." I repeat it when I think of her.I

I remember all of my relationships are a reflection of the relationship I have with myself. I ponder the question, "How available am I to me?"

I create the affirmation, "I'm available and open to receive all that is good in the world."

What quality of consciousness predominates in your network of friends?

What shared values, goals and activities form your bonds?

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    { 27 comments… read them below or add one }

    Joy May 31, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    Wow. Thank you! This very issue about friendships and letting go has changed the direction of my life many times. I’ve had to learn to love myself and my friend enough to “let go”. Sometimes, as in the case with a best girlfriend….I sacrifice myself and my self love in the hopes of honoring hers…yet I learned it honors us both to let go to grow. Many of those around me wrestle with the same issue. I think it hinders growth, and the steps on my path, to hang on and experience repeated discomfort, yet the unknown is sometimes more scary than the hurt within a friendship. So, as with anything else in life, I face my fear, I release and something wonderful and good fills the space.
    .-= Joy´s last post…Monday Blessing: Delight… =-.


    Tony Single May 31, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    Never thought to honour myself with my choices before. Usually the heart wants what it wants and I go with that… with disasterous results! Enlightening, Tess. Enlightening. :)


    Topi May 31, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    Hi Tess,
    I love the simple question “Does this choice honor me?” I rather suspect that, in the short moment it takes me to ask and answer this question, my anger / frustration / annoyance / irritation etc might naturally start to to melt away. It’s when I react immediately that I find myself later regretting my actions. If I take a moment before reacting, I often find myself making a better choice. What better way to spend that moment than asking myself a valuable question. Thanks, as always.
    .-= Topi´s last post…Welcome, new money =-.


    Jodi at Joy Discovered May 31, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    Wow, Tess, excellent post!!! Great story to illustrate your point and great steps for us to follow as we go about our own lives. Thank you!!!
    .-= Jodi at Joy Discovered´s last post…Off the Shelf: Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukav =-.


    Tammy May 31, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    There you go journaling Tess! Love it and I love answering the question, “does this choice honor me?”. It’s a whole lot better than “am I hungry?” and it speaks to me on such a different level. Thanks for this post.
    .-= Tammy´s last post…Writing Down the Bones – or the Butt =-.


    Wilma Ham May 31, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    Oh Tess, honoring yourself is honoring your friend too isn’t it, as we are all one.
    I too would have had trouble knowing what to do as I also would feel obliged to let her know. But who does want to let her know and what it that about, the ego of course.
    This is such a great way to go beyond the ego. Honoring and forgiving and moving on instead of clinging, and all this roller-coaster emotional , energy wasting way of dealing with things.
    I always felt bad to let those people go, I could never find a good way to do that, to justify moving on out of fear that if I did that to them, others would do that to me. Oh, what a fearbased reason rather than an honoring one.
    Great way to get on with great people in your life. Thanks my friend, shall I polish the halo. xox Wilma
    .-= Wilma Ham´s last post…Your ego can’t collaborate. =-.


    Julie June 1, 2010 at 2:10 am

    Tess, I love how you illustrated your thoughts with the thought-by-thought process. It’s through examples such as this that we see more easily the truth: how we respond to any situation is really a matter of whether we’re fully focused on living according to what we profess are our values. In this way, it’s never about another; it’s always about us. This is one of the lessons we seem to have a hard time learning when young. Experience is a powerful teacher; feeling bad always leads us back to love—if we stay with it long enough.
    .-= Julie´s last post…The Only Thing That Matters =-.


    Cheryl Paris June 1, 2010 at 2:22 am

    Hi Tess,

    Very bold post. I like the way you have illustrated with example “why does it lead to frustration”.
    If we ask our self this question “Does this choice honor me?” It may be able to solve many issues in our day to day life.

    Long back I watched “Bill Cosby show – and in that his wife (co-actor , Claire) said – “Life is give and take”. :)

    Bye for now,
    Cheryl Paris
    .-= Cheryl Paris´s last post…How to Raise Expectations of Yourself =-.


    Evil Shannanigans June 1, 2010 at 3:44 am

    Wow…great post! I just had to let a friend go recently and it wasn’t easy, but I went through all of what you just wrote. There were times when I did not honour myself, and felt badly afterwards. It is much easier to just let go and love the person from afar. Thanks!
    .-= Evil Shannanigans´s last post…Who ya gonna call? =-.


    Tess June 1, 2010 at 4:05 am

    When I’m not authentic and honest I can’t be present with others when I’m with them. I have no choice but to move on. It’s just so not me to pretend. Some thing dies inside when I do.


    Tess June 1, 2010 at 4:19 am

    Yes something wonderful always does fill the space doesn’t it. I never feel it’s a sacrifice. I believe it’s a gift to all involved and even the people coming into the new space. You are a shining example to all by the way you live your life. I’m so happy we’re friends.

    Nooooo Tony, the head wants…our heart knows. You’re so funny;)

    Oh isn’t it grand when our days of over reacting are well…over! I use to be queen of that and one day I took off my crown! Thank God;)

    Life is easy when we follow the steps that lead to a heart filled with love. I know you know all about this and I encourage everyone to read your blog. I wish you’d post more often. But then your heart must be telling you other wise!

    Oh yeah it works great with food…when I ask it:) Thanks for you insights on your journaling with food. Excellent stuff and it works when we do it. Commitment is key, eh? You go girl!

    If I would have figured this out in my teens I would have saved myself a couple of decades of drama. When we know better we do better, right?
    Yes dust that halo off and plop it on. hee hee

    I believe I could have done it when I was young if someone would have told me this stuff…it’s times like these I question “when the student is ready the teacher will appear.” I was ready…no one was ready to tell me…

    I love the Cosby show. I just watched a rerun a couple of weeks ago. I think Bill was funnier then and not so funny now. And yes it’s about give and take. Yet for this relationship it was all take and like I said it hurt.

    Another way of putting it was I was wanting what she couldn’t give…not a good idea for me.


    Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord June 1, 2010 at 6:00 am

    Oh man… well if that’s not a great post to read today, what is?!! Me and my ego selectively forget that the relationship I have with others is the relationship I have with myself. I will speak the words, “I manifested this,” but do I really internalize what that means? Do I then ask the question you included at the end of this post, or a variation thereof, as in, “What part of me is showing up in so-and-so’s actions?”

    This weekend my ego was having a heyday with the idea that someone I love might not be making decisions that would fold me into his life for the long-term. “He’s not making room for me,” is what my ego wanted to chomp onto and get crazy with. Luckily I had Byron Katie’s voice in my head most of the time questioning that false belief by prodding, “Is that true?” No, it wasn’t true… But then ego would flare up again and try to convince me otherwise.

    Reading your post today, though, is like the missing piece of the puzzle. I can ask myself, “Is that really true?” when I think an irrational or lower-vibrating thought, but it also helps to go a step further and recognize just how I manifested such an experience to begin with. So I might now ask, “How am I not making room for ME in my own life?” Ah yes, there it is. I want someone else to fold me in, yet can I easily point out a handful of ways in which I’m not settling in and growing my roots in my own life? (Yes) Ways in which I feel as though I’m in constant transition? I want to put down roots and grow – and grow with a partner – yet have I solidified a partnership with myself?

    Clearly I have not! It’s in my mind, but it’s not yet in my actions.

    So right now, on your blog (!!), I set my intention to come into true and perfect partnership with myself in a good and balanced way and to make room for myself – to grow roots and blossom in the name of all that is loving and good. To feel the security within me that I seek through another… And so it shall be!

    Thank you so much, Tess! Once again, you’ve given me just what I needed to grow beyond where I’ve been.


    Marko -- Calm Growth June 1, 2010 at 8:36 am

    Interesting. Just what I wanted… :)

    Yes, the power of questions is great way to stimulate our brain.

    “What quality of consciousness predominates in your network of friends?”
    Generally in all relationships, I leave people to do what they want. The only thing I will not allow is for someone to manipulate me or my time.

    If I saw that someone is behaving in a manner that is inconsistent with my current beliefs, I reduce the intensity of the relationship with that person.

    It’s like… commenting on blogs. If the subject of the blog post is in line with your current beliefs, you will comment positively.
    If the subject does not agree with your beliefs, it probably will not interest you, and you will not post any comment.

    Good job, Tess…
    .-= Marko — Calm Growth´s last post…The Current State of Personal Development Scene — Part 3 =-.


    Chris Edgar June 1, 2010 at 8:49 am

    Thanks for this — I get that it feels more inspiring and liberating to you to think in terms of what would honor you, than to focus on what someone else has “done wrong” or what you “should” do. “What would honor me?” sounds like a great question to come back to often in many different areas of life.


    Jannie Funster June 1, 2010 at 9:28 am

    Tess, this is a very valuable post. I love every line in it. It’s about honoring the whole universe too, because all starts within.

    I think we instinctively know when things are not right in relationships — whether with people, our bodies or our environment, but are not always aware of how to bring balance back. What a fantastic plan you’ve put out here for a real action to harmony each of us can follow. Beautiful idea, this!

    I will tweet this from my other computer, as this one always gives me a error message on retweets.

    THANK YOU for this blessing of a post!

    .-= Jannie Funster´s last post…Reunited — And It Felt SO Good =-.


    Tess Bold Life June 1, 2010 at 9:58 am

    Ha! Me and my ego like to do the same…always focus on and blame the other. I sent ego on vacation for a week. While it’s gone I’m going to hide;)

    I hear you and Byron Katie is a big teacher for me as well…and if I look at any relationship I have I can ask my self…in terms of ______(insert name) what need am I not meeting of my own?

    There was one instant in Atlanta my ego and I were very demanding of daughter no. 4. It’s a good thing I came back to my senses before opening my big mouth about it…making it a non-issue is what I chose to do shortly after it came up. Next time I hope to avoid the entire ego trap.

    Thanks for being on my path and bring me such joy! I honor and hold a vision for you and your intention. Surrounding you with my spiritual arms and enfolding you in love. xo

    You sound like a very easy going guy. What the hey do I have to be so intenst?!?

    It’s an honor to be able to inspire someone as brilliant as you on your journey! Thanks for stopping by today.

    Thank you for your sweet tweet and bringing me laughter a day after a 5 day weekend;) You rock!
    .-= Tess Bold Life´s last post…The Bold Life: Loving Choices Change Lives =-.


    Mark June 1, 2010 at 10:09 am

    Asking “Does this choice honor me” is one of the highest levels of love that you can give yourself and others. Thanks for sharing your lesson and your thoughts. Interesting how your friend backing out on your plans created such a great lesson for all of us.
    .-= Mark´s last post…Placebos – The Self Deception That Believes the Lie =-.


    Jannie Funster June 1, 2010 at 10:35 am

    A 5-day weekend sounds very nice indeed. You sure have been getting arund lately, and that’s wonderful!!

    I did ReTweet this, successfully I think. :)

    Now to upload those tree house interior pix I tok 5 minutes ago…

    And I added a salad to my lunch today, afer I drank 16 z water — felt as if I were honoring myself.

    .-= Jannie Funster´s last post…Reunited — And It Felt SO Good =-.


    The Exception June 1, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Tess – I love this. As one who is in a situation where I have to model how I want to be treated and respect for myself fully realizing that I must interact with this person and can not walk away, it is a constant lesson for me to stop beating my head, accept him, and keep modeling regardless of how my ego raises its head to remind me of this and that. I have to stay. I have to model. I have to honor myself via that model that I am presenting. And yet it is hard because I can’t close the door and leave – I must learn to honor myself, detach, and yet stay.

    Great post – in a sense it is about releasing people from expectations and accepting them for who they choose to be.


    Karl Staib - Work Happy Now June 1, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    I read somewhere that it is not the answers we seek that matters, but the questions we ask. I’m not sure where I read that, but I took it to heart. We have to ask the right questions before we can get the right answers.

    I love how your question gets to the heart of an issue. Are we making the choice that honors us?

    I’m going to start asking this question when I deal with my family. I need to be more patient and understanding instead of expecting them to know what I’m thinking.
    .-= Karl Staib – Work Happy Now´s last post…7 Simple Ways to Live Your Passions =-.


    Patricia June 1, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    I so needed to read this TODAY Tess, thank you – I want to relieve this pain and heal myself by running around and helping others….instead to honor and heal myself I am having to let go – let go and let go and be still. This is honoring at this time in my life and I do want to heal….

    Honoring myself is putting me first right now…saying NO…but I find it so the opposite of everything I have done before – it is excruciatingly hard for me.

    but if I want to heal I need to not do the same old same old…
    Thank you
    .-= Patricia´s last post…35 Million =-.


    Evita June 1, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    Hi Tess

    As I read the conversation with the “self”, it occurred to me how much our Egos can rule our lives.

    Love is a simple decision. It is a choice. And I hear at times from people say that it is hard, and the truth is, it is not harder than hate. We are simply making a choice one way or another.

    So you are saying a great thing that we need to simply keep our egos out of it, and honor ourselves. In the end, are we really going to stoop low or rise high and live out our highest potential?

    Very thought provoking Tess.
    .-= Evita´s last post…Evolving Being in Action: Joy Holland =-.


    Davina June 1, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    This this is powerful stuff. “I know it’s my responsibility to teach people how to treat me.” is profound. I keep forgetting this! We do ourselves and them a favour by making them more aware. It’s not even about write/wrong… it’s just about showing up and taking care of business.
    .-= Davina´s last post…Guest Post: A Muse for My Dreams =-.


    Tess Bold Life June 2, 2010 at 6:15 am

    I never thought of it that way. Now that you point that out it’s so true for all of us…your lesson is my lesson because we’re all one. It’s the human experience and either we’ve gotten the lesson and remember, or we’re struggling to get the lesson and figure it out or we don’t have a clue we even need a lesson. We’re all on the same journey disguised as many but really one. I am the lesson and the teacher. I am the student. Brilliant Mark…no wonder I have so much empathy for everyone.

    OMG are you as funny in person as you are online? If so I’m leaving for the airport in 45 minutes! Gotta grab my donuts and beer first;)

    The Exception,
    Yes and if everyone who is unhappy at work got this nobody would be unhappy at work…maybe with their work but not at work!

    It’s only hard when I beat my head against the wall!LOL It’s hard when I don’t rise above the battlefield. Nothing is more difficult than hate. My biggest gratitude is for a heart filled with love and and ego on vacation.

    Oh yes showing up and taking car of business:O) Everyday with a smile on my face and a prayer in my heart. xo
    .-= Tess Bold Life´s last post…The Bold Life: Loving Choices Change Lives =-.


    Kristie Ryan June 2, 2010 at 12:51 pm


    This is a great concept. I felt joyful just asking myself the question! It made me smile knowing that I can ask that question and make sure I am staying true to myself and the kind of life I want to live.

    I really like the last question too, “Am I available to myself?” I think that question is very important, especially for people who don’t take the time to sit and be quiet by themselves.

    Thanks for bringing up this excellent question and a great prayer too :)



    Lance June 2, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    As I read this – I’m drawn to a self awareness workshop I attended last fall. One of the big take aways for me: that I say “yes” too much. The deeper part of this, that I’m only just beginning to fully grasp – is that by saying “yes” to that which might not resonate with me – means that I am also likely saying “no” to something much more important (and maybe internal to me). I think this relates to what you’re talking about – and how our loving choices…are they truly “loving” for us??

    .-= Lance´s last post…RAOKA: Serenity =-.


    Hilary June 3, 2010 at 12:01 am

    Hi Tess .. I love the way you’ve expressed this – think before we speak, think before we do, give ourselves time to see if we’re affecting someone else, why are we being asked that question .. how should we be answering. I try and be true to myself, while considering others & I say I can or can’t do something .. because at least they and I know re my commitment.

    I’ll remember your words .. “Does this choice honour me”

    Thanks – so helpful to read others’ words and thoughts .. Hilary
    .-= Hilary´s last post…Stirling Castle Skeletons – who are they? =-.


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