Relationships…the stuff of life…in my last article I mentioned, "All our relationships are a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves."
My relationship with my friend, Mary has been frustrating me for the past few months. I didn't understand why.
It wasn't anything she did, it was what she doesn't do in the relationship that bothers me the most.
My friend is friendly and pleasant. What's difficult within the relationship is I feel Mary doesn't trust me.
She doesn't share with me her personal or professional life. In a friendship sharing has to go both ways or the relationship is unbalanced.
What drives me crazy is Mary shares with other mutual friends. I know this because they mention things I know nothing about.
My ego thoughts go like this…"Wait a minute. How come I didn't know that?
If Mary is my friend why do I always find out about things from everyone but her?
Doesn't she care about me? Doesn't she trust me? For God's sake, doesn't she like me?"
We all grow in relationships at our own pace. I can accept "surface friends" and acquaintances. But I'm taking this stuff personally.
I recognize my expectations. My focus is on what is wrong vs. what is right.
I recognize my insecurity and ego are involved in the relaitonship. Yet until I understand why I experience the relationship in this manner, I'm stuck.
I do know Mary has a right to share what she wants with whom she wants. Period.
I do know my "story" and pain are about me, not her.
My ego encourages me to be jealous, feel slighted, less than and left out.
When I feel this way I tell my ego to take a hike. Then I send light, love and blessings to Mary. (Ya think I should include myself too;)
The feelings don't go away. I'm tired of my projections and decide to speak to our mutual friend Nancy about it.
I ask for her insights and help in resolving "my issue" within the relationship.
Why didn't I talk directly to Mary?
That's certainly is an option.
I figure why drag Mary into my stuff? I'm only concerned with my lesson.
My ego wants to figure out Mary. I want to figure out me!
With my friend Nancy…figure it out I did.
I have two core beliefs that I've healed in the past and neither have surfaced for a while. Both of them have to do with growing up No.6 in a family of 10 children.
One core belief is, "There isn't enough for me." The other is, "I'm being left out and left behind."
Bingo! Nancy helped me figure out I was feeling "left behind and left out" each time Mary had an opportunity to share with me and didn't.
My core beliefs are subconscious. My subconscious is like part of an iceberg covered by water. I know it's there but can't see it.
When a core belief surfaces…I have another opportunity to heal an old wound from previous realtionships.
Once Nancy helps me identify the old belief I have the opportunity arises to heal what comes to the surface.
How I heal an old wound:
I can remind myself, "Oh it's the same old core belief. I can just let that go!" If it's not too intense this is all that's needed.
I can ask for guidance and act on that guidance.
I can do the Emotional Freedom Technique.
I can do the ancient healing technique Ho'oponopono.
I can identify which of my nine siblings or parent is the most like Mary and forgive that person.
I forgive me.
There are many options and I choose the one that feels right to me at the time.
I decide to send love, light and prayers to Mary, Nancy and myself. Mary gave me the opportunity to know and forgive myself. Nancy is trustworthy and a non-judgmental listener. They have given me the opportunity to take my self-love to another level.
Again, it's important to remember that it's always about me and my relationship to myself.
My questions to ponder:
Do I trust myself? Do I love myself?
I can honor myself today with the same behavior I want from my friend?
We often want from others what they can't give. We meet our own needs when shower ourselves with what we want.
I am responsible for meeting my own needs, today and always.
I'm responsible for my happiness now and always.
Have you identified your core beliefs and how they effect your current relationships?
What do you want from a relationship that you can give to yourself?
Check out my friend Joy's new blog, Unfolding Your Path to Joy. She has a wonderful relationship with herself and I know you'll love her spirit!
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- The Art of Trust in Relationships
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- Relationships that Nurture Your Spirit