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“Love is when we want other people to be who they are.”
- Melody Beattie
When you feel tense, anxious and frightened you may want to control and manipulate the situation or person that is bothering you. I personally believe that everyone is controlling at times.
We may think a controlling person is a someone who tries to manipulate us verbally. Yet there are many ways we quietly control somebody. For example, the silent treatment, with holding information and doing things for someone they can do for themselves are all methods of control.
We want to control our children, spouses, friends, anyone we think isn’t doing what they are suppose to do. We control people out of fear. We love them so much we want them to live life the right way, our way. We want them to stop hurting themselves. Without our interference we’re afraid they’ll mess life up.
Why do we want control? We’re afraid of what will happen if we don’t get control. We would give anything if ____________ would just quit __________. We want to stop our loved ones from ruining their lives. We to take away their pain. It sounds good but it’s not our job.
Our loving intention to help someone covers our need to intrude. Controlling somebody is not the same as loving somebody. Love is surrender, trusting there is a bigger picture and a solution that you know nothing about.
We no better than to try and change someone yet we all have had a spouse, a teenager, or a friend we have manipulated or deceived out of a need to have things our way.
When my daughters were teenagers I wanted control. I was terrified they would make the same mistakes I did. Our of fear I set up rigid rules. Of course it didn’t work. In fact it pushed them further away.
My family and friends feel it when I try to control them and they feel it when I release them from my expectations. When we attempt to control another we take the joy, love and fun out of our relationships.
A wise soul once told me that my children had a right to their mistakes and lessons. It is how they learn. She also said when I think of them to see them with a smile on their face.
Surrendering is both action and attitude. It’s blessing and releasing the other person to the Universe, God or a Higher Power. It’s knowing that it’s not my job to police the universe.
Author of, The Work, Byron Katie says, “There’s my business, your business and God’s business.”The only business I need to be concerned about is my own.
When you want control ask yourself, “What am I ignoring in my own life by focusing on somebody else’s issues?” Figure it out and shift your focus.
When you find yourself wanting to control a situation follow these tips:
Identify someone or something you are trying to control.
Ask yourself whose problem or business is this?
Identify your fear in this situation.
Look at this person or situation in a loving manner and see this working itself out.
Repeat the following: “I bless this and let it go. It’s entirely possible that things will work out fine. I choose to live in a energy of trust. I and peace.”
Other people change when they are ready and not one minute before. By surrendering the situation and allowing the other person to be who they are you offer the person a safe place to begin.
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