How to Be Bold Enough to Surrender

by Tess on February 25, 2009

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Creative Commons License photo credit: zenera

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“Love is when we want other people to be who they are.” 
                                                            - Melody Beattie

When you feel tense, anxious and frightened you may want to control and manipulate the situation or person that is bothering you. I personally believe that everyone is controlling at times.

We may think a controlling person is a someone who tries to manipulate us verbally. Yet there are many ways we quietly control somebody. For example, the silent treatment, with holding information and doing things for someone they can do for themselves are all methods of control.

We want to control our children, spouses, friends, anyone we think isn’t doing what they are suppose to do. We control people out of fear. We love them so much we want them to live life the right way, our way.  We want them to stop hurting themselves. Without our interference we’re afraid they’ll mess life up.

Why do we want control? We’re afraid of what will happen if we don’t get control. We would give anything if ____________ would just quit __________.  We want to stop our loved ones from ruining their lives. We to take away their pain. It sounds good but it’s not our job.

Our loving intention to help someone covers our need to intrude. Controlling somebody is not the same as loving somebody. Love is surrender, trusting there is a bigger picture and a solution that you know nothing about.

We no better than to try and change someone yet we all have had a spouse, a teenager, or a friend we have manipulated or deceived out of a need to  have things our way.

When my daughters were teenagers I wanted control. I was terrified they would make the same mistakes I did. Our of fear I set up rigid rules. Of course it didn’t work. In fact it pushed them further away. 

My family and friends feel it when I try to control them and they feel it when I release them from my expectations. When we attempt to control another we take the joy, love and fun out of our relationships.

A wise soul once told me that my children had a right to their mistakes and lessons. It is how they learn.  She also said when I think of them to see them with a smile on their face.

Surrendering is both action and attitude. It’s blessing and releasing the other person to the Universe, God or a Higher Power. It’s knowing that it’s not my job to police the universe.

Author of, The Work, Byron Katie says, “There’s my business, your business and God’s business.”The only business I need to be concerned about is my own.

When you want control ask yourself, “What am I ignoring in my own life by focusing on somebody else’s issues?” Figure it out and shift your focus.

When you find yourself wanting to control a situation follow these tips:

Identify someone or something you are trying to control.

Ask yourself whose problem or business is this?

Identify your fear in this situation.

Detach and let go with loving feelings. 
When you fall back remind yourself that you’ve already this  go.  

Look at this person or situation in a loving manner and see this working itself out.

Know you always have the option to think differently about the person or issue. 

Repeat the following: “I bless this and let it go. It’s entirely possible that things will work out fine. I choose to live in a energy of trust. I and peace.”

Other people change when they are ready and not one minute before. By surrendering the situation and allowing the other person to be who they are you offer the person a safe place to begin. 

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    { 12 comments… read them below or add one }

    Daphne February 25, 2009 at 6:25 pm

    “Love is when we want somebody to be who they are”. I’ve come to agree over the years that this is indeed the essence of love, and I need to remember this. Thanks for this post, Tess, and for challenging us all to really love.

    Daphne’s last blog post..Book Review: The World Without Us


    Barbara Swafford February 26, 2009 at 1:26 am

    Hi Tess – What you’ve written is SO true. It reminds me of when my mother told me I would have to learn from “the school of hard knocks”. She knew I would make mistakes, but she also had the faith in me to know I would find my way.

    I love how you worded that,

    Other people change when they are ready and not one minute before. By surrendering the situation and allowing the other person to be who they are you offer the person a safe place to begin.

    That, to me, is showing love.


    Jay Schryer February 27, 2009 at 5:37 am

    Hi Tess,

    This is a very nice post! Controlling behavior really is a reflection of our own fears and insecurities. My personal belief is that fear is the opposite of love. Whenever we act, or react, out of fear, we are closing ourselves off from love and allowing ourselves to “fall from grace.” This is a lesson that I recently re-learned myself…and unfortunately, I had to learn it the hard way. With any luck, your post will help others learn the easy way…without the heartache.

    Jay Schryer’s last blog post..The Spirituality of Disability


    zStephen February 27, 2009 at 6:53 am

    Hi Tess, I am lookinginto your commenting issue.


    Jannie Funster February 27, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    This sticks out to me today… “There’s my business, your business and God’s business.”The only business I need to be concerned about is my own.

    That’s a fact, Jack!!

    Sorry I made Tuesday be Monday. See me land right on the correct day next week!

    Jannie Funster’s last blog post..Missing things


    Evelyn Lim February 27, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    I think that the issue of control stems from our ego. Our ego needs to feel superior. It can only grow through feeding on the feeling of being better than others. It is a fear-based feeling. You are right. Even silence is sometimes a form of control. Great article here! I enjoyed the post!

    Evelyn Lim’s last blog post..How To Get To Enlightenment


    Stacey / Create a Balance February 28, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    When I feel the need to control, detaching and let go with loving feelings always helps. I need to remind myself that my perspective is only my perspective. I need to give others space to embrace their own perspectives and choices.


    Davina February 28, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    Hi Tess. “I bless this and let it go. It’s entirely possible that things will work out fine. I choose to live in a energy of trust.” My newest mantra — thanks. I also believe that surrendering and just being with “it” can invite the change you wish to receive, without less control and less energy. I wish it was as easy it was to write that! :-)

    Davina’s last blog post..Benefits Of Turning Off Comments


    Jennifer March 2, 2009 at 11:03 am

    Tess, this is absolutely great! This is something I have been working on, but your post is very helpful to get me even closer to where I want to be. I found this at a great time. Thank you.

    I can encourage and plant seeds where appropriate, but God is in control and releasing others to Him and allowing Him to be God and work things out in His way is very liberating!

    Jennifer’s last blog post..The Four Purifications of Peace taught by Peace Pilgrim


    Internet Strategist March 3, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    I hope this becomes one of your most popular posts as almost everyone could use this message. The more we (as individuals, governments, or groups) attempt to control others the more they will rebel and the worse the results will be.

    Those who don’t believe this should try remembering how they react when someone tells them what to do. (Most will do the opposite – even “cutting off their nose to spite their face” – as my Mother used to say.

    Peace comes from allowing everyone to be themselves. When we stop trying to control them they can learn to control themselves!

    Internet Strategist’s last blog post..Tips for Leaving Comments That Don’t Get Deleted – Contributor or SPAMMER?


    Doug Cartwright March 18, 2010 at 3:16 am

    Absolutely, stunningily brilliant post. Just what I needed to hear. I’m going to read and re-read this. Thanks.



    Tess Bold Life March 22, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Doug LOL I forgot I wrote this and I needed it today as well!
    Tess Bold Life´s last post…My Dad and His Tool Shop My ComLuv Profile


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