Please help me welcome our guest author,from Virgin Blogger Notes. No matter what your level of blogging expertise, Jean is passionate about helping you learn, grow, and enjoy your online journey. She offeres a comfortable environment and would like to invite you to be part of a thriving, energetic community! Jean lives in in beautiful Northwestern Wisconsin.
The Art and Craft of Saying ‘No’
No. It’s such a stubby little word, yet it sure can cause a stir. Some of us get queasy at the mere thought of saying it. Others feel rejected when someone says it to them. Yet when delivered with thought and care, this one tiny word opens magnificent spaces in our lives, allowing us the time to pursue truly meaningful activities and use our talents for the highest good.
But how do we get from fearing ‘no’ and stashing it at the back of our vocabulary drawer to using it as a sculpting tool to help us create a bold and beautiful life?
As with most life changes, the voyage begins by looking within:
Get clear. In order to unleash the power of ‘no’ in our lives, we need to get crystal clear on our values–those things that matter most to us–so we can envision our best and highest life. For example, my top values are creativity, freedom, health, spirituality, and connecting with others. When I imagine my ideal life–with my top values at the core–I see myself having time to write, setting my own schedule, eating a healthy diet, meditating, and visiting with friends and family.
Evaluate. The next step in our journey towards using ‘no’ to create a richer life involves examining our current schedule, activities, and habits to see if they honor our values. This step can be challenging, as it’s common to discover our daily lives brimming with things that don’t reflect our values, with those things that matter most earning scant slivers of time and attention.
Reflect. It’s helpful to pause at this point and reflect on how things got so far off track. Sometimes it’s because we’ve lived in automatic pilot mode, simply going through the motions of work, caring for a family, and living up to the expectations of our culture. Other times, we’ve said ‘yes’ to things because we fear negative consequences.
Visualize. Picture yourself saying ‘no’ and stepping out of and away from things aren’t a good fit. Do you feel guilty? Anxious? Downright scared? Do words like, ‘can’t’ and ‘shouldn’t' flood your mind? Sit with these feelings and acknowledge them. It’s these feelings and the desire to avoid examining or experiencing them, that have led you away from living authentically.
Commit. Living a passionate, purposeful life takes courage and commitment. Being fully committed to creating a values-based life helps us recognize when ‘no’ is the kindest response for ourselves and others and gives us the courage to follow through.
Rehearse. Since many of us quiver and wobble at the mere thought of saying ‘no,’ we need practice to develop confidence. A good rule of thumb is to keep things short and simple. There’s no need to explain yourself or apologize, but do wrap your ‘no’ in a blanket of kindness, such as, “Hello Jane. I’ve decided to leave the book club. I’ve enjoyed my time with the group and want to thank you for all the work you do,” or “No, Emily, I can’t bake 2500 cupcakes for the school picnic tomorrow, but thanks for thinking of me.”
Act. Saying no to things that don’t fit in your life is a lifelong practice, and the more you do it, the more courage, confidence, and skill you’ll develop. You might start small, by saying no to a request to join a committee or by dropping out of a club that centers around a former passion that’s grown cold. Perhaps you’ll even say no to things that are a great fit but that would leave you over-committed and unable to fully enjoy and experience life. As you continue to practice the art and craft of saying ‘no’ explore new ways to use it to create the life you want. Could it be time to say ‘no’ to a limiting belief or two? How about ‘no’ to junk food or household clutter?
The fresh spaces that ‘no’ opens in our lives are like blank canvasses where we can paint scenes from our best and highest life. Sit with your wide-open spaces awhile to consider what color of ‘yes’ you want to put on your canvass. Perhaps your value of creativity will lead you to take a pottery or guitar class. Or maybe you’ll spot a brochure for a charity-sponsored trip to a disaster region and it will call out to your values of compassion and adventure.
Keep using ‘no’ to create and maintain space in your life so when the time and activity are right, you can shout out a full-bodied, heartfelt, magnificent ‘Yes!’
Do you need to start saying ‘no’ to make room for your magnificent ‘yes?’
Bio. Jean Sarauer provides inspiration and information to beginning bloggers at Virgin Blogger Notes and is a managing editor of The Daily Brainstorm. To get Jean’s articles delivered to you by email or RSS, subscribe here.
{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }
Jean,
Fellow Wisconsinite!!! Woo-hoo!!
I love this post today! And I do…because I have been there – to that place where I was saying YES too much…and because of that, missing out on what really mattered. (and not that long ago)
About a year ago, I took a leadership course, and this was the biggest take away for me – to say NO more to that which really didn’t resonate. At first, I DID feel guilty about saying NO. However, with practice, it has become a part of who I am – in a very good way. Because, now when I say YES, I really want to be in that place – and that just makes those moments all that much better.
Great stuff!!!
.-= Lance´s last post…Sunday Thought For The Day =-.
I finally learned how to say no when I realized saying “yes” then taking it back was not helpful either! Depending on the scenario I sometimes think of it as “no for now”, assuming the request is something I’m interested in to begin with.
Something else I’ve become in tune with about “no” is whether or not people leave room for no. It’s really important for the other party to appreciate “no” as an option and not take it personally. No definitely works both ways!
Hi Neighbor
I found it interesting that the importance of saying ‘no’ would be taught in a leadership course, but that’s 100% right on. How can we lead others with purpose and passion if we’re not honoring those things ourselves?
.-= Jean Sarauer´s last post…Don’t Let Your Blogging Boat Sink! =-.
Hi Stacey. I love how you talked about ‘leaving room for no.’ It does seem like when we use it sometimes people will feel it’s a personal affront to them. I’ve had to learn to let other people own their own feelings and reactions.
.-= Jean Sarauer´s last post…Don’t Let Your Blogging Boat Sink! =-.
Hi Jean,
I love this: “…start saying ‘no’ to make room for your magnificent ‘yes?’” Learning to put our magnificent “YESES” above all else is essential to fully expressing our ‘unlimitedness.’ When I am rapt in my writing (my magnificent YES) I am able to easily make decisions based on one question: Does this support marvelous obsession?
Hello Jean,
I guess we have all been in that place before. We want to help anyone we can and before you know it, you’re overwhelmed. Saying “no” is essential sometimes, and not only for the one being asked, it can be helpful to the one asking too!
As Lance mentioned, it can be difficult at first, bit once the habit is developed, saying no at appropiate times definitely frees you up and allows you to put your focus and energy where it’s needed and where your heart leads.
Very good article on an important topic. Thanks!
It always good to say no. It’s empowering and allows you to make time to yourself and be the dominate factor in any situation you don’t feel comfortable in.
@Rob – ‘Marvelous obsession.’ Now that’s something I’ll always say ‘yes’ to! Right now my magnificent ‘yeses’ are writing and supporting my Dad through a major life transition. Being clear on those things definitely makes it a lot easier to see when and where to say ‘no.’
@Keith – You’re exactly right–we want to help everyone we can. The trouble is, we usually forget to put ourselves on that list and end up so frazzled we’re not much good to anyone. I’ve found I can have a greater positive impact on the world by doing a few things well rather than scattering my energy all over heck.
@Jonathon – Saying ‘no’ definitely is empowering. I tied myself in knots just thinking about it before – people would be mad, they wouldn’t like me, I’d let them down, etc. I had to work through a lot of issues on my own path to ‘no.’
.-= Jean Sarauer´s last post…Don’t Let Your Blogging Boat Sink! =-.
What a great post. There is an art that comes with saying no – it isn’t always easy but it is often necessary. Jean, you have presented the logic behind saying no and when to say it in such a wonderful and helpful way. No is hard for me when it comes to the reality that “this” might have an emotional impact on my daughter who is one of my priorities.
Thank you for this thought provoking post.
@The Exception – Saying no to kids–young ones or grown ones–is especially challenging. But in these cases, ‘no’ can be such a gift. It may not be seen that way at the time, however!
.-= Jean Sarauer´s last post…Don’t Let Your Blogging Boat Sink! =-.
Hi Jean,
As Tess’ community is remarking, I concur this is an important topic. Just yesterday I went against my usual yes, yes, yes, self and turned down an opportunity that I know I’d have jumped at a few years ago. One thing the challenges I’m facing recently has taught me is how to say no with grace.
I love the color imagery at the end of your post — painting our canvasses. It’s amazing the colors the “right” yes (and no) can add to our lives.
Great to see you again, Jean.
~xo
.-= Lori´s last post…Fiercely Caring =-.
Jean
You have such a beautiful way of putting things, as always. I learnt somewhere along the road to say ‘No’ but it was definitely the hard way. Even those of us who think we are strong can be manipulatedi into the doormat position without realising it has happened. It’s never to late to change the rules and say ‘NO’ loud and clear. It is hilarious to see how bullying types back down when you suddenly wake up and stand up to them.
Thanks for your words of wisdom. I am so glad that your Dad has you to be there for him!
.-= Rosemary Hannan´s last post…Lessons I Learned the Hard Way =-.
Reflection is such a big part of my online happiness. A few months ago I wasn’t happy with how I was using Twitter, so I sat and just thought back to my goals. I realize I wasn’t interacting enough with people. Instead of just RTing and tweeting I started creating more dialog. The experience has improved a lot. I feel more connected with my followers.
It’s hard balancing everything in the online world. It’s so vast and fast. We just have to know when to take breaks and figure out new solutions if we aren’t heading in the right direction.
NO for me is a very grounding word. I run a grant making foundation and have to say no all the time to funding proposals from some very worthy organizations. The flip side of it is in my fundraising work, I get told No all the time, too. So much about how well we deliver or accept No depends on how emotionally detached we are to it. It’s rarely a personal rejection. It’s not indicative of how much or how little we’re loved. It’s just a boundary-drawing device that can save time, sanity and maybe even a life.
This is a nice companion to my Fifty + Ways to Say No post. Thanks for sharing your art and craft of it.
Two years after my mum died, I just put my life and actions on the table and took a huge long look. I had been very busy and have accomplished some truly amazing goals in my life, but were they truly my goals or were they just using some of my values to help others succeed at their goals? One of my top priorities is to inspire others to be their very best – it might even be my passion, but what was missing in all that action was inspiring myself to be my best….I very kindly said NO to everything I was doing – except cooking for my partner. Everything.
I gave myself two years to explore and re-affirm my values. I am now 1.5 years into that process and am beginning to just now get clues as to what I want to do to express my values – magnificent yes things….I have to say that I am a bit frustrated that I am still in the clue phase.
I must confess also that I am not saying YES to very much right now…such as I lost my ability to sing with the removal of tumors…I could not afford a voice coach or lessons to see if I could recover, so started going to a chanting group and found some progress….but I get tired of always chanting in Sanskript and
not exploring some of the French, Latin, and English chants….so when they ask if I want to JOIN the group I hesitate….it does my voice some exercise, but the chanting does not meet my meditation needs….some iffy areas in figuring out the bigger YES work
Nice guest post – important ideas to consider, thank you Tess for the introduction and you lovely words on my post today too!
Hey Jean!
So nice to find your smiling face here at Tess’ place. And, so many wonderful people visiting and commenting. I agree – No is freeing. I’ve learned to say “no” only in the last few years. We cannot be all things to all people. We need time to do the things we’ve made our top priorities. If we say no nicely – people will understand, and if they don’t we can “fix” everyone’s feelings either. We aren’t responsible for their reactions – I’ve finally learned this myself! I used to feel I had to make everyone feel okay all the time, but it only left me empty, tired and resentful.
Jean, thanks for this very insightful and much needed article! Tess thanks so much for hosting Jean!
.-= Angela Artemis´s last post…Who Creates Your Economy =-.
No!
There I said it. I committed. That’s the hard part. I love how you link “no” to living by your values which, in a sense, makes it a “yes”. Lovely post, Jean. Thanks Tess for inviting Jean to your bold and inspirational blog.
.-= Katie´s last post…A Simple Guide to Joy Riding =-.
Hi Jean,
My life is as magical and peace filled as I allow it to be..In order to experience such moments, I learned to say “yes” to anyone and anything that encourages, inspires, motivates, let me ‘be’…and that automatically led to ‘no’ to anything in the way of magic or peace filled.. Within my heart, within my home, within my space..
Personal limits and boundaries are important for me. Too often, I try to be all things to all people. This behavior keeps me from exploring what’s on my mind and in my heart.
Saying “No,” to others gives me the chance to say, “Yes,” to me.
Thanks Jean for reminding me of this choice.
Alex
I was very glad to see ‘rehearse’ on this list. I often find it useful, when coaching others, to encourage them to do just that. An idea that might seem great in advance, might not look so good at the ‘moment of truth!’ Rehearsal helps them by adding exact words to their mental toolkit, into which they can reach for the right response, at the right time — NO!!
.-= HappinessandWisdom´s last post…Establish Your Happiness Routines =-.
Jean, I loved the clarity of this post!
I am a big advocate of self-care of my clients and when they say, “But, isn’t that selfish? I say back, “No, actually, it is self-preservation!”
Cheryl Richardson made a statment once that we would have had alot happier childhoods if our moms had taken better care of themselves!!
Thannk you for this great contribution!! Love your site!!
@Lori – So glad to see you again too, and thanks for sharing your recent experience. I have one of those ‘yes, yes, yes’ spirits by nature, so I know what a big deal it is to finally find your way to the place where you say ‘no.’ Good for you!
@Rosemary – First of all, thank you so much for your support and encouragement. It means the world to me. I’m so happy to be there for my Dad, yet it’s a bittersweet time with him leaving the farm. I keep telling myself that seasons change . . .
@Karl – ‘Vast and fast,’ certainly does describe the online world! I need to follow your lead and have more conversations on Twitter. But, I do run into time challenges, so we’ll see how it goes.
@Belinda – Wow, you do have a lot of experience with ‘no,’ and your wisdom shows. I am behind on my blog reading and haven’t read your post. It’s one I definitely do need to make time for!
@Patricia – Thank you for telling us about your journey. Your story reminds me of how life moves at its own pace and zigs when we expect it to zag. It sounds like you’ve got a great level of awareness about yourself now, so perhaps doors will start opening that you wouldn’t have considered walking through awhile back. Best wishes to you!
@Angela – I can SO relate to feeling responsible for other peoples’ feelings. It took a long time for me to let them own their feelings, actions, and behaviors. Glad to see you here too. Tess is one of the bright lights, isn’t she?
.-= Jean Sarauer´s last post…Don’t Let Your Blogging Boat Sink! =-.
@Katie – Good for you for committing to ‘no’ so you can get to your magnificent ‘yes.’ Keep wielding it with warmth and wisdom to shape your ideal life.
@Joy – It’s so true that when we say ‘yes’ to the things that resonate, eventually the things that don’t fit tend to fall away on their own.
@Alex – It seems like we all go there sooner or later — thinking we can be everything to everyone. Well, we can’t. Life sure would be easier if we ‘got’ that a little earlier in our journey
@HappinessandWisdom – I hear you on the importance of rehearsal. While ‘no’ comes more naturally to me now, I had to rehearse when I first started stepping away from things that didn’t fit. It was the rehearsing that gave me confidence to actually follow through.
@Brenda – We really are trained to think it’s ‘selfish’ to say ‘no.’ But you’re right — it’s self preservation, not selfishness. And I’ve had so many times in my life I’ve said yes and then done things with a spirit of resentment or obligation. That doesn’t make anyone happy because people can sense these things.
.-= Jean Sarauer´s last post…Don’t Let Your Blogging Boat Sink! =-.
This was such a great topic & it was beautifully written. Although I don’t struggle with saying no to the extent that I did a few years ago, it’s still something that I deal with. I constantly remind myself that “No” is a complete sentence, so that I don’t waste so much time making up excuses when I use that 2 letter word. It’s tough but it’s doable.
.-= Nea | Self Improvement Saga´s last post…33 Life Lessons I Learned in 33 Years =-.
Jean,
It is good to see your guest post here! You are simply one hard working gal, blogging on Virgin blogger, and also at Keisha’s blog and guest posting too! Amazing, I am inspired.
I will admit, I have hard time saying “no” but I have started it while ago, with teaching Kindergarten, 2 kids and life and all, it is not enough time to do it all, something has to give or go slow.
Tess, I love your interviews post and guest posts too. Simply inspiring.
.-= Preeti @ Heart and Mind´s last post…What if you had Golden Touch =-.
But Jean, I really need you to bake 2500 cookies for the blogging bake-off tonight. Are you really sure you can’t help?
Oh, just kidding.:) I really love your focus on values. It seems to all start there. And I love your values too!
.-= Sandra Lee´s last post…Sunday reflection- we are what we think =-.
I’ve always struggle to say “No” perhaps due to the many “rejections” I’ve encountered. Thanks for this post, it gave me a fresh insight on how about saying it in a nice polite way to others.
Jean, I’ve never come across your blog, but this post of yours gives me the reason to visit it and subscribe to your posts.
Thanks for sharing.
.-= Alex Yong´s last post…Do You Have Realistic Goals =-.
Hi Tess and Jean! Great post! Saying no is so icky that I always try to skirt around the actual word and make some positive suggestion out of the situation. Fortunately I do not have to say no much at all anymore. It’s a bit of a blessing when you are at peace and living with intention the no stuff doesn’t come around much, rather I think the vibrations of what I DO want and say yes to show up regularly. Took years and years but its all good!
hugs
suZen
@Nea – I think “no is a complete sentence,” is one of the most valuable things I’ve ever heard. I used to think I had to have a justification for a ‘no’ as well. And even then I still felt guilty!
@Preeti – You’re right that something has to give. And if we don’t say ‘no’ to some things, the things that ‘give’ will be our enjoyment of life and perhaps our sanity too! Great to ‘see’ you here.
@Sandra – yeah, about those cookies . . . it’s funny how when you’re exhausted from a full day and another one yet to come how being asked for even a dozen ‘whatevers’ can feel as impossible as 2500.
@Alex – I’m glad we could be introduced through Tess’s blog. Delivering a ‘no’ with kindness does make it easier for me. Plus, I feel much more authentic. It always felt false to say ‘yes’ to things that didn’t really appeal to me.
@SuZen – I agree that when we live on purpose/intentionally that the times we need to say ‘no’ diminish because things just seem to line up in a way that supports our ‘yeses.’ That said, in the online world I’m finding there are too many good opportunities for one person to handle, so I’m having to say ‘no’ to things I’d love to do, simply because there’s only one of me. But, this often gives me the chance to recommend someone else for the opportunity, so that’s a good thing!
.-= Jean Sarauer´s last post…Four Critical Components to Your Blog’s Success =-.
Hi Jean
Awesome to see you here in Tess’ space and thank you for your awesome words of wisdom!
I think saying “no” just as saying “yes” is an art form. Some of us don’t know how to say “no” and some of us aren’t open enough to saying “yes”. So I think it comes down to a fine balance of knowing which to use when, but also of knowing how to use each, to be authentic to ourselves.
So your take and points about saying “no” are a wonderful read, and as always a little reflection goes a long way! Thank you.
.-= Evita´s last post…Reader’s Choice Video Interview with Healer & Medium Simon Hay =-.
Ah, the power of “no” … great topic Jean… I spent a lot of unfortunate moments because I did not know to say – “no!” to different people, but also to the emotions…
Each listed point is important, however, it all boils down to “act” part, that is, action… it’s what separates the people who criticize, from people who grow… a great guest post Jean, I wish you the best in your future work and with Virgin Blogger Notes…
.-= Marko — Calm Growth´s last post…70 Useful Resources For College Students =-.
@Evita – How true that some of us have a hard time saying, ‘yes.’ That discussion could be the foundation of another post!
@Marko – It always does boil down to action, doesn’t it? Thank you so much for your kind wishes, and I wish you all the best too.
.-= Jean Sarauer´s last post…Four Critical Components to Your Blog’s Success =-.
It has been very hard for me to say “no” Jean. I was much more comfortable agreeing meekly with almost everyone who came along. But I’m different now. I think it relates to character. When we finally wake up to what I think of as our our own innate divine character we are content to be spontaneous.
We may say yes, we may say no, but either way it will be what our own strong, but gentle character decides…Thanks.
Looking forward to visiting your blog.
Best wishes.
.-= Christopher Foster´s last post…One blogger’s 8 guiding principles =-.
Christopher, I can so relate to what you said about ‘agreeing meekly.’ That was me too. There’s a lot to be said for being spontaneous and remaining true to the nudges of our character/spirit. Really, that’s the best way to fly if we can just stay present enough to do it. I’m working on it
Glad to ‘meet’ you, Christopher!
.-= Jean Sarauer´s last post…Four Critical Components to Your Blog’s Success =-.
I figure saying NO to others is saying YES to me, and actually saying yes to the greater universal plan I am part of.
AWESOME post!
.-= Jannie Funster´s last post…“Spirit!” Funny Keyword Searches — Summer 2010 =-.
Hi Tess and Jean,
Great post! I have a whole chapter in my book called “Be A Yes Mom”. No is a powerful word especially with kids. I use it sparingly so that they listen (hopefully) when I say it for the important things. I have had to learn to say no in my own life (not with my kids) so that I don’t get too busy.
@Jannie – I totally agree with you, Jannie!
@Betsy – It sounds like you’re using ‘no’ wisely and effectively. I love how aware you are of the impact of your words on your kids.
.-= Jean Sarauer´s last post…Four Critical Components to Your Blog’s Success =-.
thank you for your sharing! it is a great article, very interesting and useful!
.-= Certified SEO Vietnam´s last post…The Giving Effect =-.
Some terrific ideas, Jean. Great article, and thanks for posting it for us, Jess.
Success is very much about where we place our own priorities and focusing our day to day activities to achieve the outcomes we want for our life. Once we are crystal clear with what we want as our outcomes, then we will be much more clear about the things to which we say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
“In the economizing of time, too, there will be many things which a man will have to eliminate from his life; some of things and pursuits which he loves, and desires to retain, will have to be sacrifice to the main purpose of his life. The studied elimination of non-essentials from one’s daily life is a vital factor in all great achievement. All great men are adepts in this branch of economy, and it plays an important part in the making of their greatness. It is a form of economy which also enters into the mind, the actions, and the speech, eliminating from them all that is superfluous, and that impedes, and does not sub-serve, the end aimed at. Foolish and unsuccessful people talk carelessly and aimlessly, act carelessly and aimlessly, and allow everything that comes along good, bad, and different to lodge in their mind.” [from http://eightpillarsofprosperity.com
Saying yes to the “scary” next step up, or saying “no” for giving preference to our personal priorities, are both “muscles” that need exercise when choosing to live a self designed life.
Cheers, Thea
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