10 Intimacy Boosters By Being Yourself

Thanks to Louise xxxx For helping me create this image - I do like my flickr friends

Today our guest is Marci Payne from Liberating Choices, where taking small steps can create big change. Marci is a counselor, budding entrpreneur, aspiring writer, yoga lover, life-long learner, and amateur photo-snapper.

Have you ever wished time would stand still? You don’t want the day to end. You want to freeze the moment in time. To stay in a cozy love bubble.

Then, you come back to reality. Life, kids, work, errands, and chores. All those grown up responsibilities. We do life mostly outside our love bubbles.

We try to get close to our loved one, but the bubble keeps popping. Leaving us sticky and frustrated. We feel like we need our loved one close to be happy. This is vulnerable territory to stay in, but we all visit this place.

Have you ever wished your significant other would turn off the TV? Let go of the mop? Sit cozily on the couch. Stare into your eyes. And, drift back into the bubble with you.

Here lies the problem. We focus more on the past or the future. We dream of what we want the relationship to look like. More energy is put into getting our loved one to do or not do something. And, we miss out on enjoying what is.

“I've learned that love is not a destination, its not an ideal or fix all short cut to happiness. It is an action.” By India Aria

What is our choice? To be ourselves. Love is an act of being ourselves, while relating to our loved ones. Who knows us better than we know ourselves – no one. The secret to boosting your intimacy is knowing yourself and letting your loved one know you too.

10 Ways to Boost Your Intimacy By Being Yourself

1. Be open  Communicate what is easy and hard. It’s tempting to avoid tense topics. Find a way to share your thinking even on difficult topics. Be just as open to speaking, as you are to hearing.

2. Be personal – Share what is yours to share. Speak of what you know. Spend less time talking about others. Instead share your own thoughts and feelings. What do you want your loved one to know about you?

3. Be equal – Be ourselves, while allowing others to be themselves too. Value ourselves as much as we value others. Don’t put yourself below or above others. Put less pressure on the other to change, and more focus on being who you are.

4. Be patient – Each interaction is an opportunity to relate in a new way. Lean into what you want to work on in yourself. Keep at it. Focus on what you are learning. Change takes time. New patterns will evolve.

5. Be direct  No more beating around the bush or hoping your loved one will read your mind. Get to the point. Simplify your message. Use less words. Tell the person, instead of turning to someone else.

6. Be private – Relationships grow when face-to-face. Not in big groups, such as family gatherings or social networking. Separate what is public and what is private. Leave your intimate connections to private, one-on-one times.

7. Be defining – Know who you are, and what you stand for. Define what you are willing and not willing to do. Know when to be flexible and when to hold on. Communicate what you stand for without running people over.

8. Be present – Minds wander, solving problems and making lists. Attentions  gaze on screens. Bring yourself back to the present, to the person in front of you. Stay in the moment. Be mindful of your intention to be yourself.

9. Be balanced – Life is both positive and negative, so communicate both views. Sharing all your negative feelings is a romance bubble buster. Filter some feelings on your own. Keep some mystery alive. Be open, but be balanced.  

10. Be YOU  There is only one you. Embrace yourself and you can embrace others more fully. Accept yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses, and you can accept others more readily. Connect uniquely, like only you can.

Moments may not freeze. And, relationships aren’t lived in bubbles. But you can be more connected and more uniquely you.

Please share your thoughts below!

Marci is a member of A-List Blogger Club. Please subscribe to Liberating Choices to receive regular updates via RSS or by email.

Creative Commons Licensephoto credit NinMatthewsPhotography

Also check out Courtney Carver,  from Be More With Less, in the news! Courtney is a friend and blogger from  the A-List Blogger Club. We had an opportunity to meet in person in San Francisco last fall. 

I would encourage anyone who has thought about joining to do so. There is another awesome boot camp in March. Members get into the Boot camps free! 

My only regret with the A-List Blogger's Club is not joining sooner. There's no words to express the help, knowledge and friends I've gained in such a short time. My affiliate link is below the comments. Thanks and if you join, I'll see you in the forum!

What helps you be more comfortable in your own skin? And, thus more connected in your relationships.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Amy Johnson January 12, 2011, 7:37 am

    Great tips, Marci. I especially love Be Open. As much as we all crave closeness and intimacy, it can also leave us feeling very vulnerable. Vulnerability leads many people (i.e., me!) to want to run and hide, when the opposite–openness–is what’s really called for.
    Thank you for sharing with us here!

    • Marci January 12, 2011, 1:40 pm

      Thank you Amy for the warm welcome.

      To be open without feeling vulnerable can be a workout. I used to think closeness meant sameness, but now I think it means being oneself next to those you love. Being different and still being connected is a whole new way for me to look at relationships, yet it is freeing.
      .-= Marci´s last post…7 Guilt-free Ways to Create Energizing Goals =-.

  • rob white January 12, 2011, 7:56 am

    Hi Marci,
    I love your definition of love: “Love is an act of being ourselves, while relating to our loved ones.” One of the greatest gifts we can give anyone is our true presence. The only way to receive love is to show up as a loving presence. If you love someone it us up to YOU to show up as the loving Authentic Self for him or her.

    • Marci January 12, 2011, 1:44 pm

      Thank you Rob. Showing up and being present is part of loving. Being present to me means not running away or freezing up even in my head. That being said, I know if I’m not completely present, it is usually less about my feelings for that person and more about my own issues/discomfort/stress level.
      .-= Marci´s last post…7 Guilt-free Ways to Create Energizing Goals =-.

  • Angela Artemis January 12, 2011, 8:52 am

    Your tips are spot on. I love, be direct, be defining and be YOU!

    When we finally learn to be ourselves in a relationship we have truly evolved. And, when we truly learn to love the other person for who they “really” are we have evolved even further. To love the real person not the fantasy image we desire the person, to me, is a huge step in our growth.
    .-= Angela Artemis´s last post…How a Psychic Detective “Sees Without Seeing” =-.

    • Marci January 12, 2011, 1:48 pm

      Hello Angela, It’s definitely growth in progress, as I think I will always be evolving, sometimes forward and sometimes back. Learning from each step.

      I like how you added appreciating the other for who they are, not who you hope they’ll be. That is huge too.
      .-= Marci´s last post…7 Guilt-free Ways to Create Energizing Goals =-.

  • Ana Goncalves January 12, 2011, 9:23 am

    Thank you Marci.
    Great reminders of attuning to the present moment in all that one is.
    .-= Ana Goncalves´s last post…Every moment =-.

  • Bryce Christiansen January 12, 2011, 9:28 am

    I love your 6th point about being private.

    • Marci January 12, 2011, 2:39 pm

      Great to remember in the age of social networking. I have heard many stories of how people have used Facebook to make private matters, public with regret.
      .-= Marci´s last post…7 Guilt-free Ways to Create Energizing Goals =-.

  • Jannie Funster January 12, 2011, 9:48 am

    This is so true!!

    When I’d prefer my hubby turn off the tv, I go over there and snuggle on the couch beside him! It’s a win-win! Sometimes he even turns it off!!

    I so agree on the private time, our one-on-one moments are gifts to each other.

    And “when we judge we leave no room for love.” — Mother Teresa. That’s a good one in a marriage, or any relationship.

    SUPER to meet you, Marci!

    And that daisy picture is going to show up on the next sidebar button I do for my wonderful pal “Dancing With Daisy.” WONDERFUL image!! So sweet, cheery and hopeful.

    .-= Jannie Funster´s last post…Laguna Gloria- Austin Texas =-.

    • Marci January 12, 2011, 1:51 pm

      Nice to meet you too Jannine. I thought it was a beautiful photo too – trying to capture the “love bubble” 🙂 And, I love your quote from Mother Teresa too. I know when I think I’m better, it’s not very romantic! Wishing you a private gift tonight 😉
      .-= Marci´s last post…7 Guilt-free Ways to Create Energizing Goals =-.

  • Lindsay January 12, 2011, 11:47 am

    All of these are really stating the “obvious” that so many of us ignore every day. Thank you for the reminder!
    .-= Lindsay´s last post…How to get out of a bad mood and stay out =-.

    • Marci January 12, 2011, 2:23 pm

      I know I need reminders. We can all be unintentionally unaware. That’s the thing with learning – finding multiple ways to keep working and remembering what I’m working on. 🙂
      .-= Marci´s last post…7 Guilt-free Ways to Create Energizing Goals =-.

  • Alex Blackwell January 12, 2011, 8:31 pm

    Be Present resonates with me the most. To give someone our undivided attention and to be in the moment with that person is a natural segue for intimacy and connection.

    Thank you Tess for sharing Marci with us and thank you Marci for sharing your heartfelt advise.


    • Marci January 13, 2011, 11:48 am

      And, thank you Alex for the welcome wishes. Clearing out the distractions in our head is a gift to ourselves and to our mate. And, sometimes the distractions are right in front of us. Our kids don’t always like it, but we take turns talking, and try to model that mom and dad take time to catch up with each other too.
      .-= Marci´s last post…7 Guilt-free Ways to Create Energizing Goals =-.

  • Peggy January 12, 2011, 11:13 pm

    Hi Tess and Marci,

    Serendipity strikes again…When I saw this come through in my email, I got goosebumps. My theme for the month of January on my business website The Stepmom’s Toolbox is Be Yourself.

    The online class I’m teaching right now is all about stripping away the layers and getting back to your authentic self.

    Marci, I would love to connect with you and see if there’s any collaboration opportunities.

    And Tess…I would love to book both you and Marci as guests on my radio show.

    email me at toolboxgrl at gmail dot com if either or both of you are interested.

    .-= Peggy´s last post…Hereafter Everafter =-.

    • Marci January 13, 2011, 11:50 am

      Thank you for the kind invitation. I wrote your invitation and contact information down. I’ll be in touch next week, as I’m getting ready to travel this weekend.

      Your class sounds interesting, and I look forward to visiting your site and talking with you further.
      .-= Marci´s last post…7 Guilt-free Ways to Create Energizing Goals =-.

  • Pea January 13, 2011, 10:44 am

    There are so many points I love about your list.
    . Be equal – Be ourselves, while allowing others to be themselves too. We put so many energy into fixing other people don’t we?
    Be direct – No more beating around the bush…
    Be private
    Be defining
    Be balanced
    Be you.

    Wonderful list.

  • Marci January 13, 2011, 11:53 am

    Thank you Pea. Yes, we do put energy into fixing others – my family trained me how to do this. 🙂

    I think the more frustrated I am, the more I lose sight of my choices, and then the more I focus on what the other needs to do. The more choices I see, the more sure I am.
    .-= Marci´s last post…7 Guilt-free Ways to Create Energizing Goals =-.

  • cathy ritter January 14, 2011, 1:56 pm

    To be balanced and to be present…what life lessons to aspire to…..

    • Marci January 14, 2011, 2:52 pm

      Each interaction is a work in progress. Always learning. Thank you for visiting 🙂
      .-= Marci´s last post…Do Opposites Still Attract =-.

  • Rand January 16, 2011, 10:02 am

    Hello to you Marci!

    I’ll try to keep this as short as possible…

    I did a little bit of ‘Google’ and this is what I came up with:

    “If you’re a married American, your marriage is between 40 and 50 percent likely to end in divorce.” *This is an improvement from 1980.

    “If your parents were divorced, you’re at least 40 percent more likely to get divorced than if they weren’t. If your parents married others after divorcing, you’re 91 percent more likely to get divorced.” *Just have to go to the store and take another relationship of the shelf.

    The Advantages and Disadvantage of an Arranged Marriage:

    “Advantage: Lower probability of divorce, stronger emphasis on family, future, and stability.
    Disadvantage: Women are less free to explore their desires after marriage as these issues are generally placed on the backburner for the “family”.
    Advantage: In western society, many women may never get married because marriages are not arranged. This leads to what is called a “marriage crunch” where wome over the age of 40 are believed to never have the chance of being married.”

    Jane Ausen’s ‘Pride & Prejudice’ was really so ahead of her time.

    It seems that her main theme is (and this is a word that has been bloged a good deal lately) “EXPECTATION”.

    Also the “marraige crunch” dilemma in her novel is still present today in Western society.

    What I see that stands out to me regards your article is that both cultures share your “3. Be equal” as a factor.

    Which out of your “10” do you believe is most meaningful to both cultures?

    What is your take on the word “Expectation” regards relationships?

    Thank you Marci! ….and thank you Tess!

    • Marci January 17, 2011, 12:15 pm

      Rand, I’m not sure which cultures you are referring too. I think each family is unique, so I can only speak for myself. I have worked on each of these 10 at different times. Currently, I’m focusing on being more present with my loved ones.

      As for expectations, they remind me of assumptions. Jumping to conclusions. Worrying what others expect of us. Or, expecting others to do for us. Either one puts us in someone else’s emotional skin. Getting more comfortable in our own skin is what I coach. At least this is how I see it right now. 🙂
      .-= Marci´s last post…Crush Stress with Loads of Laughter =-.

  • Rand January 17, 2011, 7:01 pm

    …I was refering to The United States vs. India, but never mind that was way to much to get into anyways. I hear you about focusing and being more present for your love
    ones…that’s the loving practice that binds families together.

    I appreciate your reply regards expectations as they do take on a biological feel (skin)…isn’t there a song to that effect…”you get under my skin…..” ?

    Thanks Marci!

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