Relationships Wanted: Please Fulfill My Needs

by Tess on June 2, 2010

brooke & sarah 2

Creative Commons License photo credit: katinalynn

Relationships…the stuff of life…in my last article I mentioned, "All our relationships are a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves."

My relationship with my friend, Mary has been frustrating me for the past few months. I didn't understand why.

It wasn't anything she did, it was what she doesn't do in the relationship that bothers me the most.

My friend is friendly and pleasant. What's difficult within the relationship is I feel Mary doesn't trust me.

She doesn't share with me her personal or professional life. In a friendship sharing has to go both ways or the relationship is unbalanced.

What drives me crazy is Mary shares with other mutual friends. I know this because they mention things I know nothing about.

My ego thoughts go like this…"Wait a minute. How come I didn't know that?

If Mary is my friend why do I always find out about things from everyone but her? 

Doesn't she care about me? Doesn't she trust me? For God's sake, doesn't she like me?" 

We all grow in relationships at our own pace. I can accept "surface friends" and acquaintances. But I'm taking this stuff personally.

I recognize my expectations. My focus is on what is wrong vs. what is right. 

I recognize my insecurity and ego are involved in the relaitonship. Yet until I understand why I experience the relationship in this manner, I'm stuck. 

I do know Mary has a right to share what she wants with whom she wants. Period. 

I do know my "story" and pain are about me, not her. 

My ego encourages me to be jealous, feel slighted, less than and left out. 

When I feel this way I tell my ego to take a hike. Then I send light, love and blessings to Mary. (Ya think I should include myself too;)

The feelings don't go away. I'm tired of my projections and decide to speak to our mutual friend Nancy about it. 

I ask for her insights and help in resolving "my issue" within the relationship.

Why didn't I talk directly to Mary? 

That's certainly is an option.

I figure why drag Mary into my stuff? I'm only concerned with my lesson.

My ego wants to figure out Mary. I want to figure out me! 

With my friend Nancy…figure it out I did.

I have two core beliefs that I've healed in the past and neither have surfaced for a while. Both of them have to do with growing up No.6 in a family of 10 children. 

One core belief is, "There isn't enough for me." The other is, "I'm being left out and left behind."

Bingo! Nancy helped me figure out I was feeling "left behind and left out" each time Mary had an opportunity to share with me and didn't. 

My core beliefs are subconscious. My subconscious is like part of an iceberg covered by water. I know it's there but can't see it.

When a core belief surfaces…I have another opportunity to heal an old wound from previous realtionships. 

Once Nancy helps me identify the old belief I have the opportunity arises to heal what comes to the surface. 

How I heal an old wound:

I can remind myself, "Oh it's the same old core belief. I can just let that go!" If it's not too intense this is all that's needed.

I can ask for guidance and act on that guidance.

I can do the Emotional Freedom Technique. 

I can do the ancient healing technique Ho'oponopono.

I can identify which of my nine siblings or parent is the most like Mary and forgive that person.

I forgive me.

There are many options and I choose the one that feels right to me at the time.

I decide to send love, light and prayers to Mary, Nancy and myself. Mary gave me the opportunity to know and forgive myself. Nancy is trustworthy and a non-judgmental listener. They have given me the opportunity to take my self-love to another level.

Again, it's important to remember that it's always about me and my relationship to myself.

My questions to ponder:

Do I trust myself? Do I love myself? 
I can honor myself today with the same behavior I want from my friend?

We often want from others what they can't give. We meet our own needs when shower ourselves with what we want.

I am responsible for meeting my own needs, today and always.

I'm responsible for my happiness now and always.

Have you identified your core beliefs and how they effect your current relationships?

What do you want from a relationship that you can give to yourself?

Check out my friend Joy's new blog, Unfolding Your Path to Joy. She has a wonderful relationship with herself and I know you'll love her spirit!

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    { 35 comments… read them below or add one }

    Topi June 2, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    Hi Tess,
    I needed this message today.
    .-= Topi´s last post…Welcome, new money =-.


    Belinda Munoz + The Halfway Point June 2, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    Tess, this is is such a universal message. To look within and to make right what feels wrong within can weather anything else that is off — out there. We cannot change others. To try would be futile and frustrating.


    Joy June 2, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    Thank you!
    I love that we think alike..for I know too if I am hurt, frustrated, disappointed, “it” is me and something hindering me, not the other person. I must have brought expectations to the table, and expectations mean that Ego is present, overshadowing my heart. So I turn my mind off, and let my heart lead. In your above situation I would also know that am reflecting back to me a wound I need to heal, a lesson I hadn’t learned fully. So, I use my own methods to heal, to learn. I want the Energy that I share to be healthy, whole, pure, so my relationships also need to be healthy, whole, pure so that Energy is cyclical. I want what I reflect to you to be the best possible so that *you* may be the best possible. So, I take the time to heal, to learn because it is important to me.
    My friends find it hysterical because I will often say ‘oh, no I am not frustrated with so & so I am frustrated with myself I just haven’t figured out why yet…then they look at me as if to say when you are done being frustrated with yourself may you come out and play–LOL :)
    I manifest what I need to learn and I manifest what I’d like to enjoy…it is my goal to focus on enjoyment…*grin*
    .-= Joy´s last post…Wisdom Wednesday: Guest Post Simon Hay =-.


    Stacey Shipman June 2, 2010 at 6:38 pm

    I love this. Just the other day I received an email from a friend that upset me. Instead of confronting her I sat with it and determined, much like you, it was a “story” from the past. Once I recognized it, I felt so much better. Then I shared it with my friend.

    This is such an important message and story, thank you for sharing it!


    Kristie Ryan June 2, 2010 at 7:07 pm


    I just read for the first time about the ho’oponopono technique off that link. What a neat concept! I will surely be practicing this for the next couple of days to see how it affects my day. I immediately felt the love for myself and then I had to say it to all of our wildlife because that is how I feel towards them: I love you. I’m sorry. Please Forgive Me. Thank You.

    We really do live in such a beautiful world and all of nature should be thanked each day! The concept of relationships and myself is definitely new to me. It seems like a hurtle for my brain to conceive, but I’m going to work at delving into why I feel certain things in my relationships.

    Thanks Tess!


    Hulbert Lee June 2, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    Hi Tess, I can relate to being you and having a friend like Mary. When this happened to me, I would totally obsess over it. But the thing I realized are that people are entitled to do whatever they want to do and I can’t try to change them. Sometimes the best revenge is just living a happy life. I hope things go well with you as I think you are a great person, no matter what Mary might be hiding.

    I’m not sure what my core beliefs are in terms of relationships, but I try to be respectful of everyone despite culture, outside appearance, age, or any other differences. All I want from a relationships is for people to be generous, and I can also give that generosity to me when I’m feeling kind of down. Thanks for this post Tess. :)
    .-= Hulbert Lee´s last post…Kim Maglinti – Blogger and Creator of Mindset Success Coaching (Interview) =-.


    Eduard @ People Skills Decoded June 3, 2010 at 2:18 am

    Ha-ha, when you put it this way Tess, relationships seems like a pretty desperate attempt at getting some validation. I believe that the best relationships happen when you are in a mental place of abundance, and you realize the world is full of options. Which are rare.


    Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord June 3, 2010 at 5:35 am

    Tess, what an awesome post that so beautifully summarizes a HUGE lesson I need to re-learn again today — this week — right now in my life! You’ve enlightened me once again, and everyone’s comments here today have enlightened me.

    I’m dealing with romance at the forefront of my life again, but my core beliefs are popping to the surface daily, like popcorn! “He doesn’t say ‘I love you’…” “He seems distracted…” “He’s being too this or not enough that…” And I have trained myself, since a young age, to look through cynical eyes, believe it or not! My family circumstances were like that (closed-off, sarcastic, protective, and emotionally distant). When I’m around this wonderful guy, who my heart openly chooses, all the core stuff floats to the surface and starts nipping at me, until eventually EGO is running the show and actually influencing how I act, re-act, think and then FEEL! Egads…

    But you’ve reminded me, once again (and gosh I know this stuff, but must bury it pretty deep), that all I’m seeing in him is a reflection of MY STUFF. It has nothing to do with him. Because there are also times when he reflects back this perfect love that envelops me and leaves me breathless.

    Today I choose to recognize that everything I see is simply a reflection of some part of myself — good, bad, or indifferent. Today I choose to see everything as inherently GOD, and therefore as being good in my life. Today I choose to be free from my past, and I choose to heal any painful core beliefs that aren’t in my highest good. I bless & release them, and in doing so, invite Divine Grace to fill my mind, body and soul.

    Thank you, Tess! Much love to you!!!


    Jill June 3, 2010 at 6:33 am

    What a beautiful post. So open and honest. I have recently gotten to know a group of wonderful women, and I know that when they are sharing with each other, I tend to feel left out or less popular. It seems so silly, but it is just my ego trying to keep me down. I love your techniques to use, especially the Ho’oponopono. I use practice that regularly and it really does bring Love and forgiveness right where it needs to be. Thank you for sharing this here. You inspire me to do better.
    .-= Jill´s last post…Seeing the Light after the Dark =-.


    Tess Bold Life June 3, 2010 at 7:48 am

    @Topi Me too! I needed to write it out for myself!

    @Belinda Yes it’s so true…truth is found within. Anything else is an illusion.

    @Joy You and I will be out playing today because we’ve done our inner work. Playing without doing so is heavy and dense. I want to fly like a kite and experience the freedom without that I have within. What time can you come over?

    @Stacey Would you like to play with Joy and I;) It’s a great day for an ice cream cone. No time for ego thoughts and dreams.

    @Kristie, I’ve never said it for the animals duh! So between me and you we’ve got it all covered! It’s changed my life in a fantastic way. I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

    @Hulbert I appreciate the opportunity to tell you about our core beliefs. Once we identify with them … life becomes so much easier to understand and move through. Thanks for stopping by.

    @Eduard My moments of lack are rare and I know you can reach that state as well. I believe my 8 years of gratitude books are the reason it’s rare for me.
    You can do it!

    @Megan I can see an automatic popcorn maker popping little hearts for you instead of doubts;) Little love hearts that all say I love Megan, U love Megan, we all love Megan. I’m sending hearts of love today. I’m happy you find hono’oponopono a helpful tool. You’ll love it.

    @Jill yeah for you and a new group of women. I’m happy this helped and it’s so universal all in the group will take turns feeling the same at some point. Sending you love and hearts today!


    The Exception June 3, 2010 at 9:49 am

    Tess –
    This is always a good lesson to keep in mind. It is interesting how we are faced with lessons that take us back to our values – I can’t tell you how often in the last year I have found myself doubting my values because of my perception that success seemed to come to those whose values are diametrically apposed to mine. The lesson – stay true to self. That success for me in self integrity… and that toxic might look different than it actually is – the grass is always greener, you know!
    I, like Joy, openly comment upon frustration with myself to the point that my daughter will say, are you finished being frustrated with yourself yet?
    Now to click on the link above to see what that is all about!
    .-= The Exception´s last post…My Symphony – RAOKA =-.


    Cheryl Paris June 3, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Hi Tess,

    The best part is you all are together, enjoy each others company.
    You all have learned great things about life in each others company that is what is remarkable.

    .-= Cheryl Paris´s last post…How to Raise Expectations of Yourself =-.


    Caroline June 3, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    Oh how I love this post!!! Every relationship is different and dynamic in its own right. The ego is never satisfied and wants to be “revered” with secrets and information others don’t know. So if Mary does not tell you everything…it’s OK. It certainly does not make you less of a person because you are not “in the know.” Once we let that notion go and appreciate the friend for who they are …then the relationship can grow (or not) from there.
    .-= Caroline´s last post…The Shadow Effect =-.


    Tony Single June 3, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    Ouch, freaking OUCH! This one touches a nerve, Tess. :(

    You see, when it comes to my relationships, I generally overcompensate. I either come on too strong like a smothering (albeit friendly) blanket, or I back off to the point of looking an antisocial snob. I just haven’t been able to get the balance right yet…

    Like you, I want the sharing to go both ways, but I think if I’m sending mixed messages then it’s perhaps no wonder that I don’t have many close relationships. Man, gotta think about this some more…


    Wilma Ham June 3, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    Dearest Tess,
    It used to get me so mad, when people pointed out it was projection but once I was over that, it certainly is powerful.
    In a course it was once pointed out that we are all afraid of each other, we are all making stories up about what people think or would do and none of it is of course correct. I too was afraid of rejection, not being taken seriously, not hard with 3 teasing older brothers. It is such a relief to realize it is all made up in my own head, no more agony because of being so dependent on what other people can give me. It has made a huge difference to my confidence, my self esteem, the way I am around people, my inner peacefulness. It is huge to have this skill, xox Wilma
    .-= Wilma Ham´s last post…Wilma on Egos don’t collaborate =-.


    Jan June 3, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    I appreciate the candor with which you share your process. It is powerful! What always amazes me that if we are transparent and honest with ourselves and say what is – things shift. We open to ourselves. Our wounds get healed. I think, for me, letting go of expectations around friendship/relationships is a constant invitation. When I am not attached to outcomes I can better be with people as they are.

    And I completely agree that we do have to become our own best friends first. Having an openhearted and accepting relationship with ourselves allows us to be the same for others. Learning to love myself as I am (over time, and it has taken a long time!) has been quite the journey. May yours continue to be bold and loving!


    vered | blogger for hire June 3, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    “I forgive me” is one of the most beautiful sentences one can read. I wish it were easy though!
    .-= vered | blogger for hire´s last post…Am I Putting Ideas Into My Kids’ Heads? =-.


    Jannie Funster June 4, 2010 at 4:33 am

    Well, Tess, I do believe that love seems to be the main topic in all your posts. This one focusing on love and respect for self.

    And oh, if everyone reiprocated the love and loyalty we give them — wouldn’t it be great. But they don’t. People do what they’re gonna do. friends especially. They are a gift to teach us lessons. What does Mary not sharing teach you? I think you’ ve learned it well — honoring yourself. And that you are responsible for YOU, so you can grow and keep putting your love energy out there!

    Speaking of which, you REALLY planning on bringing that love energy here to Texas? Would love to have you, of course.

    .-= Jannie Funster´s last post…Tree House Interior, by iPhone =-.


    Hilary June 4, 2010 at 6:02 am

    Hi Tess .. this is an amazing post – so well set out with where you were at & how now you’ve worked out where you’re at. Relationships can be so trying and I like the idea of walking in my mind with my friend and working out between us where I’ve gone wrong – then addressing these challenges. This is a post I needed to read today and to take on board .. thank you – Hilary
    .-= Hilary´s last post…Volcanic palette, translucent jet streams, passion-fruit paintings … =-.


    Patricia June 4, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    My relationships are reflecting how intense I am with myself these days…I have been doing quite a bit of “shadow” enlightenment work for my journal exercises and working on being lighter and more lively with folks I encounter.

    Sometimes when one is alone too often, one wants to just get it all out at once – this too is overwhelming.

    No one wants you to get over your pain as much as the other person, because they do not wish to feel their pain.

    Forgiving the self – the relationships reflect well…just what one needs to do

    Great post Thank you
    .-= Patricia´s last post…The Love Ceiling ~a novel by Jean Davies Okimoto =-.


    Tess Bold Life June 4, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    @The Exception Yes I always get into trouble when not true to myself. One would wonder why I’d ever consider going astray. How about these reasons, doubt, fear, rejection…need I go on? Yes Joy is a dreamer worth visiting.

    @Cheryl Yes we are still together because it’s working. If it stops working I’ll move forward and so will my friend in another direction.

    @Caroline I loved your review on the shadow effect and I think it would take this conversation to another level.

    @Tony I’m your friend so you must have balance with me;) I know what you mean and who hasn’t been there…all stages we go and choose to grow from…I’m right there with you my friend.

    @Wilma Oh yes to have that skill. The stories in our heads are all ego rated movies that I’m personally going to boycott. LOL

    @Jan Oh yeah what a journey it’s been and I think I’ll have to hang onto my hat while I continue to love and accept myself as I age on!

    @Forgive ourselves is easy we only need to be willing to surrender and ask for help from the universe or higher power.

    @Yes I need to set a date for Texas or it will never happen. What’s best for you?

    Oh yeah and I wrote it because I needed it…it’s a universal lesson!

    @Patricia I think the entire forgiveness work needs to be done with compassion;)
    .-= Tess Bold Life´s last post…Relationships Wanted: Please Fulfill My Needs =-.


    Joy June 4, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    This post couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ve been struggling with a friendship and wondering what *I’ve* done wrong, what was *I* missing with a particular friend of mine. You helped me see that I can only be responsible for me. And if I’m not getting what I need from a relationship (trust, sharing, etc.) maybe that isn’t the relationship for me. Thank you!
    .-= Joy´s last post…Day 178 – Leftovers =-.


    Tammy June 5, 2010 at 9:27 am

    What a bold and transparent post. I love the accountability that you accept for your feelings and actions. It reminded me of a time when my sister and I were struggling with our relationship. She felt that I never asked her about her personal life and therefore wasn’t interested. I felt that she’d tell me if she wanted me to know and didn’t want to be intrusive. Both of us coming from our own childhood point of reference. I had never heard of the Ho’oponopono but am going to look into that deeper. Thank you.
    .-= Tammy´s last post…Writing Down the Bones – or the Butt =-.


    Tammy June 5, 2010 at 9:28 am

    PS – love the dancing girl photo at the top.
    .-= Tammy´s last post…Writing Down the Bones – or the Butt =-.


    fatima da June 5, 2010 at 9:38 am

    Great post Tess and this is the best part of the post for me “I’m responsible for my happiness now and always” we don’t want to become a pain in the back to our love ones… :)
    .-= fatima da´s last post…Brainstorming Techniques and Tips =-.


    Sibyl - alternaview June 5, 2010 at 9:41 am

    Tess: Great post. I found my way to your blog from CYT and the comment you left on my guest post … “I’m willing. I’m willing.” I really thought that was a great response and it made me smile … which is always great. This post was really good and I thought it was helpful how you walked us through the process of how these types of thoughts just pop up in our mind and how we can best manage through them by connecting them to things that have bothered us in the past or other things that may be causing them to appear. It is interesting how these thoughts can continually reappear over and over again and then they impact our perceptions about people and our relationships. For me, what seems to work best, is to have that realization you described, that my issue with what someone else is doing probably has more to do with me than it does with them. I choose to not really buy in to the thought and not follow it or allow it to influence my feelings about the person. I then just try to see the good in the person and reflect on all the reasons I enjoy having them in my life. This allows me to release the expectations that I have of them to act or behave in a certain way and when I have done that, it seems that the relationship always improves. I thought what you said about learning from relationships was really great and sound advice. Thanks for sharing all your insights.


    Evita June 5, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Hi Tess

    These conversations you have with yourself and share are phenomenal. I think we can all learn a thing or two from them, and many find us nodding, as in yp, been there, done that….

    The core of this article for me, and something Markus and I were just discussing the other day, is that the majority of people really do not trust themselves, or love themselves. And this stems from the fact that many of us really do not even know ourselves.

    It may sound odd to some, who may think, “how can I not know myself” – but it is true. We are not sure why we feel what we feel, what we truly want, what we can expect of ourselves and the list goes on…. This is where relationships truly are amazing teachers.

    And so I thank you for my relationship with you, for it truly is an incredible gift that allows me to continue to learn about me :) (and you :)
    .-= Evita´s last post…Essential Energy with Cyndi Dale: At the Crosswalk – When It’s Time to Change =-.


    Tess The Bold Life June 5, 2010 at 11:50 am

    @Joy Yes always give yourself permission to consider moving on. It’s crazy that option always seems so taboo to us but then again that’s our ego. I used to blame myself for not being able to make things work out. I don’t have that power. I can only make the relationship with myself work. That’s in my control!

    @Tammi, I have 6 sisters! I could write volumes about relationships on that:) Wow that’s an idea to put in my journal! Of course I would only know myself even better if I did!

    @fatima da No kidding our love ones deserve our best as we do;)

    @Sybil Thanks for coming over! Welcome:) Yes what you say is correct and today I’ll look for the good in Mary and when finished become grateful those qualitites are in me as well. What a great idea…one I wouldn’t have considered without your help in the process. So thanks.


    Tess The Bold Life June 5, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Thanks for your compliments and praise;) Yes that was one of the fulfilling things about counseling and coaching… helping others know themselves and then learning to love what they discover! This is an untapped niche is what I’m thinking.
    .-= Tess The Bold Life´s last post…Relationships Wanted: Please Fulfill My Needs =-.


    Davina June 5, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    Hi Tess.
    Am I picking up that you are angry but not wanting to give yourself permission to feel that feeling? Maybe I’m wrong….? I’ve been in this kind of situation and I’ve had to just face it that I’m royally pissed off… :-) and I go there. Not that I go there with that other person, but I tune into it in myself.

    I’m glad you’ve figured this out and I love how you take responsibility for your role in the relationship and not place the blame on her. I would be tempted (just my 2 cents) to let your friend in on how you are feeling. She might not have a clue and might be glad you shared that ’something’ with her.
    .-= Davina´s last post…Guest Post: A Muse for My Dreams =-.


    HappinessandWisdom June 6, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    I just arrived at your blog and can already tell that I’ll love it! Your focus on how our beliefs shape our reactions and the role we play in relationships is key. The most important person in any relationship is us! If we focus on ourselves, pursuing what makes us happy and then accept others for who they are, then our relationships will improve. Thank you for the post.
    .-= HappinessandWisdom´s last post…News About Happiness. Happiness May Come With Age, According to Study =-.


    Keith June 6, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    Hello Tess,

    I think it’s wonderful how you help others, including me, by shining a bright light on yourself and the things you deal/have dealt with. You offer REAL advice born from the best teacher of all…EXPERIENCE. Thank you for your selflessness. :-)

    Relationships are very good teachers. They will certainly show one any “weak links” they may have. I definitely would not have experienced the growth I have if not for relationships, and not just intimate or family relationships. Acquaintances, co-workers, and neighbors are also valuable relationships to be learned from.

    Thanks Tess!
    .-= Keith´s last post…Pessimist or Passionate? =-.


    Karl Staib - Work Happy Now June 6, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    It’s surprising how we expect so much from other people. We need to do a better job of meeting our own needs.

    I try to do this from daily reflection. I do falter and sometimes expect too much from my wife. I’m learning to give more of myself to myself. As I do this I realize that I’m creating more wholesome relationships. It’s a win-win.


    suzen June 6, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    Hi Tess! Once again, great testimony to the fact that everyone we encounter in life is a teacher and once we really GET that, we can be so grateful that we are continually receiving guidance on simply just how to BE.
    .-= suzen´s last post…Whole Living in 10 Easy Thoughts =-.


    Peggy June 9, 2010 at 7:27 am

    Dear Tess,
    This post gave me goosebumps because as I prepare for my upcoming workshop in August, I’m doing a series of 15 minute “Wise Advice” segments – as I wrote out my script for this morning’s segment, I realized that who we are isn’t really who we are but what others expect us to be and we buy into the beliefs that we’ve been programmed with since birth – so it really is a matter of getting down to those core beliefs and asking ourselves, “is this true?” or “is this useful?” Growing up, I was dubbed “the Peacemaker.” That core belief, that expecation from others stuck with me for the longest time and it still creeps in, I can see it start to work its way through me when I’m in “helping” mode rather that “teaching,” “mentoring,” or “coaching mode.” When I’m in the helping peacemaker mode, I’m meddling in other people’s issues, trying to help them get along with someone else.

    I once suffered from the very common “I’m not good enough” core belief…took a serious wake up call for me to put that one to rest and realize that I am beyond good “enough.” And that opened me up to the love of my life!
    .-= Peggy´s last post…Relinquishing Hostility Revisited =-.


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