Comments on: Relationships Wanted: Please Fulfill My Needs

By: Peggy

Peggy — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 14:27:34 +0000

Dear Tess,
This post gave me goosebumps because as I prepare for my upcoming workshop in August, I’m doing a series of 15 minute “Wise Advice” segments – as I wrote out my script for this morning’s segment, I realized that who we are isn’t really who we are but what others expect us to be and we buy into the beliefs that we’ve been programmed with since birth – so it really is a matter of getting down to those core beliefs and asking ourselves, “is this true?” or “is this useful?” Growing up, I was dubbed “the Peacemaker.” That core belief, that expecation from others stuck with me for the longest time and it still creeps in, I can see it start to work its way through me when I’m in “helping” mode rather that “teaching,” “mentoring,” or “coaching mode.” When I’m in the helping peacemaker mode, I’m meddling in other people’s issues, trying to help them get along with someone else.

I once suffered from the very common “I’m not good enough” core belief…took a serious wake up call for me to put that one to rest and realize that I am beyond good “enough.” And that opened me up to the love of my life!
Peggy´s last post…Relinquishing Hostility Revisited

By: suzen

suzen — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 03:21:45 +0000

Hi Tess! Once again, great testimony to the fact that everyone we encounter in life is a teacher and once we really GET that, we can be so grateful that we are continually receiving guidance on simply just how to BE.
Hugs
suZen
suzen´s last post…Whole Living in 10 Easy Thoughts

By: Karl Staib - Work Happy Now

Karl Staib - Work Happy Now — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 01:53:39 +0000

It’s surprising how we expect so much from other people. We need to do a better job of meeting our own needs.

I try to do this from daily reflection. I do falter and sometimes expect too much from my wife. I’m learning to give more of myself to myself. As I do this I realize that I’m creating more wholesome relationships. It’s a win-win.

By: Keith

Keith — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 01:19:25 +0000

Hello Tess,

I think it’s wonderful how you help others, including me, by shining a bright light on yourself and the things you deal/have dealt with. You offer REAL advice born from the best teacher of all…EXPERIENCE. Thank you for your selflessness.

Relationships are very good teachers. They will certainly show one any “weak links” they may have. I definitely would not have experienced the growth I have if not for relationships, and not just intimate or family relationships. Acquaintances, co-workers, and neighbors are also valuable relationships to be learned from.

Thanks Tess!
Keith´s last post…Pessimist or Passionate?

By: HappinessandWisdom

HappinessandWisdom — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 21:15:15 +0000

I just arrived at your blog and can already tell that I’ll love it! Your focus on how our beliefs shape our reactions and the role we play in relationships is key. The most important person in any relationship is us! If we focus on ourselves, pursuing what makes us happy and then accept others for who they are, then our relationships will improve. Thank you for the post.
HappinessandWisdom´s last post…News About Happiness. Happiness May Come With Age, According to Study

By: Davina

Davina — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 04:00:17 +0000

Hi Tess.
Am I picking up that you are angry but not wanting to give yourself permission to feel that feeling? Maybe I’m wrong….? I’ve been in this kind of situation and I’ve had to just face it that I’m royally pissed off… and I go there. Not that I go there with that other person, but I tune into it in myself.

I’m glad you’ve figured this out and I love how you take responsibility for your role in the relationship and not place the blame on her. I would be tempted (just my 2 cents) to let your friend in on how you are feeling. She might not have a clue and might be glad you shared that ’something’ with her.
Davina´s last post…Guest Post: A Muse for My Dreams

By: Tess The Bold Life

Tess The Bold Life — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 18:54:04 +0000

Evita,
Thanks for your compliments and praise;) Yes that was one of the fulfilling things about counseling and coaching… helping others know themselves and then learning to love what they discover! This is an untapped niche is what I’m thinking.
Tess The Bold Life´s last post…Relationships Wanted: Please Fulfill My Needs

By: Tess The Bold Life

Tess The Bold Life — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 18:50:57 +0000

@Joy Yes always give yourself permission to consider moving on. It’s crazy that option always seems so taboo to us but then again that’s our ego. I used to blame myself for not being able to make things work out. I don’t have that power. I can only make the relationship with myself work. That’s in my control!

@Tammi, I have 6 sisters! I could write volumes about relationships on that:) Wow that’s an idea to put in my journal! Of course I would only know myself even better if I did!

@fatima da No kidding our love ones deserve our best as we do;)

@Sybil Thanks for coming over! Welcome:) Yes what you say is correct and today I’ll look for the good in Mary and when finished become grateful those qualitites are in me as well. What a great idea…one I wouldn’t have considered without your help in the process. So thanks.

By: Evita

Evita — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 18:23:15 +0000

Hi Tess

These conversations you have with yourself and share are phenomenal. I think we can all learn a thing or two from them, and many find us nodding, as in yp, been there, done that….

The core of this article for me, and something Markus and I were just discussing the other day, is that the majority of people really do not trust themselves, or love themselves. And this stems from the fact that many of us really do not even know ourselves.

It may sound odd to some, who may think, “how can I not know myself” – but it is true. We are not sure why we feel what we feel, what we truly want, what we can expect of ourselves and the list goes on…. This is where relationships truly are amazing teachers.

And so I thank you for my relationship with you, for it truly is an incredible gift that allows me to continue to learn about me (and you
Evita´s last post…Essential Energy with Cyndi Dale: At the Crosswalk – When It’s Time to Change

By: Sibyl - alternaview

Sibyl - alternaview — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 16:41:33 +0000

Tess: Great post. I found my way to your blog from CYT and the comment you left on my guest post … “I’m willing. I’m willing.” I really thought that was a great response and it made me smile … which is always great. This post was really good and I thought it was helpful how you walked us through the process of how these types of thoughts just pop up in our mind and how we can best manage through them by connecting them to things that have bothered us in the past or other things that may be causing them to appear. It is interesting how these thoughts can continually reappear over and over again and then they impact our perceptions about people and our relationships. For me, what seems to work best, is to have that realization you described, that my issue with what someone else is doing probably has more to do with me than it does with them. I choose to not really buy in to the thought and not follow it or allow it to influence my feelings about the person. I then just try to see the good in the person and reflect on all the reasons I enjoy having them in my life. This allows me to release the expectations that I have of them to act or behave in a certain way and when I have done that, it seems that the relationship always improves. I thought what you said about learning from relationships was really great and sound advice. Thanks for sharing all your insights.