The Power of Asking for What You Want

ask blog

Guest post by my friend, Rita Chand

When was the last time you asked for what you wanted?

I mean, something you really really wanted?

I’m not talking about asking for a second helping or asking for a ride home. No. I’m talking about the B I G bold asks. The kind that make your stomach turn. 

I have been on a wellness journey for well over a year now, and I have never felt better. If I think about it, my “better” is just a new level of “normal”. When I started on my path, I had a normal.

That normal looked a little bit like, not feeling well, not sleeping well, eating crap, not exercising, and feeling about 20 years older than I am.

And then, I altered my life. I started doing all those things. And I started to feel better. And now…this “better” is just another level of “normal.” I’m not reaping the same benefits as I was before.

Recently, I heard about a program that someone in town runs through her fitness centre. It’s an effective program that encompasses all of the elements of weight loss and better health. Journaling, exercise, nutrition, coaching, goal setting, etc. I love the idea of it.

But the cost was not something I was prepared to commit to, given I’d have to commit to 12 months. One day, I was talking about this program and decided to make a bold request of the owner. 

I shared with her my journey thus far, and what I was committed to, and then, I boldly asked her if she would be willing to let me do the program for free, in exchange for my promotional and marketing skills.

I had no idea how she would respond, but almost immediately, I got an email back saying “YES! When can we meet?”

I probably don’t have to tell you how excited I was. And not a moment later, how scared I was. But I asked. And we met today, and we are working out a few details, but I should be starting the program shortly.

She said to me during our meeting, “The best part about you being here, is that you had the courage to ask. People don’t do that enough.”

This was a pretty big deal. This was something that mattered to me. My health matters to me, and I am clear I can’t do it on my own. I can’t get to whatever goal I may have, on my own. Life doesn’t work that way.

Life is meant to be shared and experienced with and through others.

So yes, this was a big deal, and a big ask.

But what about the BIG asks?  For example, when a relationship ends, often, we are heartbroken, and we don’t know what to do.

All evidence pretty much points to “it’s over”, so we walk away. Often, no questions asked. We don’t always listen to our gut for fear of looking stupid and wondering if we’re right, and listening to our intuition, even when it’s screaming that it’s not over.  

Well, what about when it comes to matters of the heart? How often are we willing to bear our souls, open our hearts up even wider, risk it all, put ourselves on the line, and say “No! It’s not over.

I do not want this to be over. You are the one for me…Will you consider us getting back together?”

Now THAT is a B I G – B O L D ask.

This has the ability to go terribly wrong. What if he/she doesn’t want the same thing? What if he/she is already sleeping with someone else? What if he’s laughing at you?

All i know is that if I am not willing to risk it all, how will I know? How will I know if it really is over? There are no guarantees in life.

Life is filled with uncertainty at every turn. When we first start to walk, we have no idea if we will make it to the other side of the room. But it feels right to get up on our feet and move one in front of the other. 

How is this different? And if I’m willing to get my butt off the floor and take a step forward…I have to be willing to risk it all, throw the doors to my heart wide open, and tell everyone I know…”

He is the one for me, and I am willing to stand here in the space of love for a time while he sorts out whatever he needs to sort out.”

So that’s what I’m doing. I am in love with a man who I believe is the one for me. He might not be. But how will I know, until I’m willing to stand in that space of love for awhile.

What I know for sure is that I love him. Full stop.

What’s something you want to ask for but have been afraid to risk it all for?

A divorce?

A marriage proposal?

A raise? 

Whatever it is…what have you got to lose? If those things are on your mind, you’re not living your life, risking it all, anyway…you may as well throw yourself off that particular (and proverbial) cliff.

Ask. I dare you.

Bio: I live and breathe love and THAT is why my life works. Love is meant to find me. Because that is who I am. A magnet. For love. You think tomorrow is a better day to tell someone you love them or to get over your commitment issues. Or to be the person you think you need to be before you let someone love you. Stop waiting. Let's make the world a better place, one "I love you" at a time. You can follow me on Twitter and check out my blog Own Your Awesome.

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  • Marcus Kaneshiro August 26, 2013, 4:57 pm

    Rita, you are the BOMB! Love you.

    At WDS2012 I saw you and read your story, and at WDS2013, I got to meet you and hug you. You are every bit as awesome as I had built you up to be in my mind.

    And, even if (when?) you stumble it’ll be just another awesome step…in the right direction.

    • Rita August 26, 2013, 7:43 pm

      Marcus! That is the nicest thing anyone has EVER said to me. Wow. Thank you SO much. That is so beautiful.

      And believe me…I stumble. All the time. I used to hate to stumble because I never wanted anyone to know..but I think the what makes me more awesome every time. You are so amazing! thank you for being you!


  • Ragnar August 27, 2013, 11:56 am

    i am TERRIBLE at this. I’m not sure if I could ask a person for some water if I was dying of thirst. I don’t know what it is, if it’s because I spent so much time telling myself that people suck as a general rule, or if it’s because I’m stubborn, haha. I definitely need to get better at this, it’s a vital part of networking, and if I’m going to actively pursue what I am trying to, I need to be able to do this.

    Apparently some studies have shown that you’re more inclined to follow someone’s advice, if you pay them a lot for their advice, but I think what you did took more out of you than money would have so you should be golden!

    • Rita August 27, 2013, 2:27 pm

      Ragnar…asking for help is one thing..asking for what you want is an entirely different sort of animal. I used to have a problem asking for help. Now I just ask. But asking for what I want…especially when I really really want it…when it comes to matters of the heart…there’s nothing like standing with your heart wide open and making yourself as vulnerable as possible. But that is what makes us better, stronger people. THAT is the secret to taking more risks. Yes. I could get hurt. Even more than I am now. But how will I know if I’m not willing to give it a shot? That’s why I do it. Because I won’t know until I do. I hope you’ll be more inclined to ask after reading this…Let me know how it goes too.

      • Ragnar August 28, 2013, 11:34 am

        I guess I was trying to say, I can’t even ask for help properly so imagine how hard it is to ask for what I want! Thanks for the time to making to answer in such a cohesive way. From now on I will definitely just bite the bullet and ask.

  • Asad Raza August 28, 2013, 7:04 am

    i believe it is your basic right to ask what you want in life… if you are not utilizing your right for the betterment of yourself then its high time to make a habit that you will ask for every help you want !!!!

  • Rita August 28, 2013, 9:23 am

    Asad – I agree 100%! Basic human right. Everyone needs to start asking more!

  • Tony Khuon August 28, 2013, 11:02 am

    Rita, the biggest, boldest ask that I see people foregoing: A RAISE. Often, the only thing stopping a person from getting paid closer to what they’re worth is merely asking for it. What’s a life-changing amount to you (like $10k more a year) is a rounding error in a department’s budget. Ask for it!

    • Rita August 28, 2013, 3:23 pm

      Hey Tony! Thanks for stopping by and reading my post. I agree. A lot of people see asking for a raise as insurmountable. I think it has something to do with self worth and deserving. I’ve never had a problem asking…love is what motivates me. Not money. And given where I work…I’m grateful to have a job to come to every day, when so many are losing theirs.

  • steve werner August 30, 2013, 12:21 pm

    I love it!
    Ask and you shall receive.

    Of course people are fearful of asking, but once you do, you’ll never stop.
    Especially if you want to have a career in sales:)

    Great post


  • richmiraclefiles September 2, 2013, 6:45 am

    Hi Rita,
    The squeaky wheel gets the oil…so the saying goes.It’s a fact about life,and the cosmos.
    Only those who ask can muster the courage to ask get what they want.Asking denotes the presence of a faith,a trust,a confidence;that what is being asked will be given.That, or something better than that shall be given.That is why the Gospel,and scriptures of many faiths teach us;ask and ye shall be given.
    After that even if your demand is rejected you need to stick on.Recently i read Mark V. Hansen,who says “the first rejection is the most difficult to handle.Any one who can do that,and continue persisting succeeds in their endeavour”.So continue to ASK!

  • Rita Chand (@LolaSpeaking) June 2, 2014, 1:46 pm

    An update from Rita – First of all, thank you to the person who shared this on Twitter and mentioned me and reminded me that I had written this. Not that long ago. Not that long ago, I was willing to ask. i was willing to stand up and ask for what i wanted. Even if it meant not getting it.

    And then somewhere along the way, I forgot that i was doing that and failed. Miserably. The man i loved, who I stood for, and who I waited for, and hoped for and wished for and loved…for…his silence gave me the answer. Turns out, I was wrong. Turns out that while I wanted him to be the man for me, he didn’t want to be the man for me. So I lost that one. I failed at that one. I did what people do when they feel rejected by the one person they want the most.

    And I have lived my life in the shadows ever since. Only recently stepping out and noticing that the shadows aren’t where I belong. I feel like that baby who doesn’t know where she’ll end up if she gets up on her feet to walk to the other side of the room, but it feels like it might be time to get up…stand up…and walk.

    I just thought I would share since this crossed my path today…that no matter who we are, no matter how evolved, or aligned or present or awesome we are…sometimes, our perceived failures kick our a**es too. And here’s me..fessing up to having had my a** kicked. More than once.

    AND..I’ll continue to ask.

    I hope you will too.

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