“Rather than being about excitement and lust, a soul mate relationship is characterized by such things as a shared life path, a sense of comfort and ease, and a genuine liking of each other.” ~Katherine Woodward Thomas
Most single women have a mental list, a list in a journal or a vision board of “must-have” qualities for the man of their dreams. Most are unrealistic and have a fairy-tale quality.
I want to ask you to throw out your lists and vision boards. Free yourself from limitation.
Be open to exceptional ideas and uncommon thinking about love and a life-long partner. Open your heart to unimaginable opportunities and every day miracles.
In part 1, of Finding Mr. Right, I wrote about the importance of self-love and how it will attract the love of others.
As you continue to grow deeper into self-love and self-acceptance, make love the focus of your every day life.
Fill your life with as much love as you possibly can. Think, feel, and act in a loving manner. Love your life, love your family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. Love the world. Leave no room in your heart for anything else.
As you become a more loving person, love will come to you.
It’s not your job to know how or where or when your partner will appear. Your job is to become a more loving person and believe that a loving partner is on the way. The universe will take care of the details.
Preparation and Insight for Finding Mr. Right
Sit in stillness, daily.
Talk to God, your Higher Power, the Universe, your Higher Self, or your guardian angels and ask for guidance on how to find Mr. Right.
Ask God to send you someone. Listen to your intuition. Write in your journal any messages you may receive. Look for signs. You will be guided on where to go and what to do. This step alone is the most important step of all.
Look beyond the physical
Too much emphasis is placed on external qualities like physical appearance, monetary success, place of employment, designer clothes, gifts and fine dining.
Superficial things are not enough to carry you through tough times and a long-love relationship.
Look for internal qualities.
Ask yourself the following questions as you get to know the person you’re interested in.
Does he laugh and smile? Does he appreciate nature?
Is he gentle and thoughtful?
Is he on time?
Does he call when he says he’ll call?
Does he share his thoughts and feelings?
Is he a good listener?
Is he self-confident or over confident?
Does he have plans for the future?
Pay less attention to what he says, and more attention to what he does! It’s true, actions do speak louder than words.
Be interesting
Become an interesting person. Life isn’t meant to be lived on the couch, watching TV. Become familiar with different types of books, music, and art. Get involved with everything that interests you. What are you waiting for?
Get out of your rut. Stop spending your evenings watching reality shows, eating junk food and drinking too insert favorite beverage.
Get out and participate in life. Be adventurous, again, do new things, go new places, and meet new people.
Be a good listener
Learn to listen without interruption or judgment. Don’t offer advice unless it is asked for. The best way to get to know someone is to let them do the talking. Notice how he speaks of past relationships, how he lives life, how he thinks, and what makes him tick.
Observe his listening skills. Is he ‘into’ you?
Character defects
Do you need to get organized, slow down or be more patient? Do you need to get out of debt?
Do the work you need to do and become a better person, while you are looking for Mr. Right. Instead of looking for someone who is perfect, work on yourself.
Become the person you would love to spend your life with.
Counseling
Do you have an addiction to exercise, drugs, alcohol, food or low self-esteem? Don’t bring your baggage into a new relationship or it will be doomed from the start.
Don’t be afraid to get professional help. It’s a life-changing experience.
Be happy with yourself
If you are satisfied with who you are, you’ll be less likely to look for validation from others. Don’t complain about 10 extra pounds, lose them.
Don’t complain about your job find a new one. Decide what good habits you can establish that would make you a happier person.
Establish boundaries
Dr. Phil made these words famous: “We teach people how to treat us.” Don’t accept bad behavior from anyone. Don’t tolerate any type of abuse or neglect: physical, emotional or verbal.
If it doesn’t feel good, it’s toxic. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Nobody can take advantage of you unless you allow it.
Observe his behavior
Does he do little things to show you he cares? Does he hold the door open? Does he compliment you? Does he surprise you?
Will he run an errand for you? Let him know what your needs are in a relationship. Is he willing to meet your needs? Is he concerned when you’re sick?
Don’t expect someone to change later, for you. That’s irrational thinking.
A few words on sex
Become friends first. Get to know him thoroughly before you have sex.
Ask yourself the following questions, “Is he interested in who I am? Is he interested in what I think? Does he treat me with respect? Does he honor and respect me?”
Women equate sex with love. Men do not. Sex changes the dynamics in a relationship. Once you have sex, leaving a relationship becomes difficult and complicated.
You’ll never find the right relationship by staying too long in the wrong one.
Compatibility
Chemistry attracts us to each other, but it’s not enough to sustain a lasting relationship. Be aware of being so taken by chemistry that you over look compatibility and like-mindedness.
Differences in values and political and religious beliefs, can drive a wedge between two people. Ask yourself, “Can I live in harmony with this person?”
Know what you want
Pay attention to his values. Look for someone who is kind, loving, honest, generous, and trustworthy. Do you want to be married or are you looking for a companion?
Do you want someone who wants children or someone who will help loves and support s your ch1ildren? Do you want someone who loves adventure? Do you want someone who is calm and grounded?
Know when to let go
If you are unsure about a person, listen to your gut. If he doesn’t feel like the right fit for you, he isn’t. Don’t second guess yourself. Don’t waste time by becoming involved with Mr. Wrong. Move on.
It’s better to be alone than become involved in Mr. Wrong. Take 100% responsibility for your part in a ‘poor’ relationship. Learn from your mistakes.
Don’t take rejection personally
No matter how much you care, some people will never care back. There are nearly 7 billion people in the world, if one person doesn’t work out, don’t give up, don’t complain, don’t even think of getting on the pity pot.
Keep going. Keep sharing your love with those around you and the world. When love is your goal, you’ll always find your way. You can never lose. Never.
The following are deal breakers and don’t have a place in a life-long, loving relationships.
Anger issues
Narcissism
Chauvinism
Misogyny
All forms of abuse
Jealousy
Addictions
A married man
A man who is involved with another woman
These characteristics are not found in happy and healthy people or relationships.
When you love yourself and feel worthy of being loved back, you won’t tolerate anything less than the best.
If you lower your standards and fall into the wrong relationship, you risk missing Mr. Right because of your unavailability.
When you love yourself and love your life you won’t be able to tolerate unloving and toxic relationships. Love yourself, love others, love life. Before you know it Mr. Right will be knocking on your front door.
If you would like to set up a coaching call for further guidance on Finding Mr. Right, email, [email protected]. The first 20 minutes are on me.
Please share your thoughts by commenting below!
photo credit: X O X O L I C I O U S
A wonderful woman, Hiro Boga has written a post: Give It Away: How to Get Your Life's Desire. Check it out and leave a comment.
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{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
Excellent advice! I live with two boyfriends, both Jewish, and one of whom happens to be a ghost from a former life. But they are really very nice boys, and my mother likes them both.
And although there’s really no manual on how to manage a love triangle with a dead guy and a live one, oddly most of the rules above still seem to apply, even to boys in the great beyond. Go figure.
Anna Barlowe´s last post…Into the Flood
Anna,
What an interesting arrangement you have! Yes when something is TRUE one can apply it everywhere. Thanks for stopping by!
Hi Tess,
Beautiful article full of pearls of wisdom and elegant advice! I love it: “Love yourself, love others, love life. Before you know it Mr. Right will be knocking on your front door.” As we learn to love others, love enters our lives in unexpected ways.
Loving blessings!
Andrea DeBell @britetalk´s last post…Is self-love the same as narcissism
Great post, Tess! The only thing I would add just because I’ve found this so important in my own life, is this: what are his conflict resolution skills like? How does he handle himself when we disagree (even on something irrelevant and small) or need to compromise on something? Is he able to discuss sensitive issues without getting unreasonably upset or shutting down? Those things can take awhile to learn about in another person, though.
Also, is he taking the time to get to know me as an individual rather than assume that I’m like all women? Opening doors, flowers, material generosity etc–all that’s great but it’s just superficial and doesn’t necessarily mean a lot when you get down to the nitty gritty. At least that’s what I’ve learned.
Good job on the deal breakers. We all have them. For me, poor personal hygiene is one example of a definite deal breaker for me though there are others. And sometimes we can’t see narcissism until way on down the road…as I found out
Leah McClellan´s last post…Finding your peace- 10 tips for tough times
Hi Leah,
Yes I absolutely agree conflict resolution is soooo important. I’m not positive this is always correct but pretty sure. If someone’s charming they have narcisstic tendencies. Stay away from charm!!! It’s the very thing that sucks one in.
As for opening doors, flowers and stuff it can be viewed as superficial but also as ‘going the extra mile.’ has done this stuff for me since day one. Guess I’m spoiled!
Hey Tess, I agree about the flowers etc being about “going the extra mile,” for sure, usually….it just takes on a different meaning when a narcissist is doing those things or giving the flowers. (another story I’ll have to write about one of these days
Leah McClellan´s last post…Finding your peace- 10 tips for tough times
Leah,
Oh yeah as a therapist the most difficult clients are narcissists. In fact I used to refer them to another therapist because I knew my limits!
Wow another great post and I forwarded on to my daughters too – tweeted and FB’d yep we all need a little bit of a helping hand…along the way and what a supportive grand hand it offered up by our own dear Tess.
Thanks Patricia! I appreciate you and all of your support!
Hi Tess! Quite a list there – and all good stuff! I “found” my Mr. Right when I wasn’t looking. This Sunday is our 30th anniversary – sometimes I say 30 years of Tolerance, but whatever…
hugs
suZen
Susan,
I hear ya! Not only was I not looking but hubs would NOT give up. He was determined to win me over. And he did;)
Hi Tess,
I’m engaged to the man of my dreams, and I never saw it coming. It’s been a long haul – a divorce and a whole lot of work on myself for many years. My best advice would be: free yourself, break down your own barriers, enjoy your life, then Mr. Right is icing on an already delicious cake.
I love that you are so clear and thorough about this topic. Girls and women need to hear what you write about from your own experience.
With gratitude and so much love…
Gail,
Congratulations! I had no idea you were engaged. Woot woot. Of course it happens when we’re not paying attention. When the focus is on our own self love and personal growth, you can’t go wrong. xoxo
This is all really good advice, most of which I choose to ignore or not follow. What if you are in a relationship and it seems you both want different things. How do you find a happy middle? That’s the blog post I need right now. Thanks for all the awesome info, this really puts things in perspective.
Meg,
Learn to compromise. Be sure you’re clear about what you can and can’t live without. Seek a therapist for support and clarity. Just don’t thing he’ll change someday. He will only if he wants to.
Tess – your wisdom is so right. I found the love of my life when I threw out old notions of what I thought “my type” was, when I stopped making finding someone my soul mission in life (my soul has many other missions!), but most of all, true love found me when I learned to love myself, love others, and let go of all my past hurts.
I’m married to the love of my life and he just happens to be the first boy I ever fell crazy, upside down, stupid in love with 30 years ago. So what if it took us 25 years to find each other again
Peggy Nolan´s last post…Notes From Vacation
Peggy,
I don’t know what I love more, your stories or wisdom. Thanks for sharing.
Great post Tess! It took me awhile to find Mr. Right, and sometimes it does take making mistakes to get it right. It is so important to not lose sight of yourself in the relationship. Be who you are, find your passion in life and don’t let it go, because you are looking for a relationship or are in one. I, too will be passing this on to my daughter.
Cathy | Treatment Talk´s last post…Signs of Teen Drug Abuse Part 4
Cathy,
Thanks for your support and wisdom. I appreciate you.
Tess – you did it again!
You know what I think… I think when you finish this series, you should put it together into a little e-book or guide of some sort. Add to it if you like, but wow are you ever hitting on all the right points and so concise, to the point, yet so true and valuable.
For all the people in the “not so right” relationships this line needs serious reflection:
“You’ll never find the right relationship by staying too long in the wrong one.”
I have seen friends drag relationships on for years that were literally sucking out their life out of fear of letting go, rather then taking on the new to make oneself available to life!
Love, love and more love…. but hey, you know before I met Markus although I did not have a list a family member did tell me that I was living a fairytale and no such perfection exists… well, they were right…. I did get my fairytale
Evita´s last post…Jay Weidner on Kubrick’s Odyssey – Secrets Hidden in the Films of Stanley Kubrick
Evita,
Thanks for your suggestion. I think it’s wonderful that you got your fairytale. The thing is we don’t know what anything is for and maybe it’s not a souls intention to be in a relationship. I do know that if one fills self, others and world with love, one can’t go wrong.
Tess,
As I read this, I think of my daughter (who has not started to date yet, although it may not be far off. And I want all of this for her, so that she might experience love in a special way.
Now, to share that with her (is that possible with a teenage daughter?!?!?). And speaking of daughters, I was outside tonight practicing her softball pitching with her for an upcoming game next week. I had her add in a curtsey to the start of her pitch. It was hilarious!! And…she threw strikes every time! I think I’m onto something here!! (although I’m sure I have NOT convinced her to actually use that move in a game…)
Lance´s last post…My Blog Transformed My Life
Lance,
What a fun dad you are and you’re always involved with your kids. Isn’t life grand?
Wow, this is hardcore, Tess. That’s one of your greatest talents > telling it like it is. I wish I had more of this real world savvy when I was looking for a guy. Mr. Perfect came to me in the end anyway. I’m so fortunate!
Sandra / Always Well Within´s last post…Dispersing the Clouds of Our Mind
Sandra,
I know what you mean, I didn’t have any either. Just stayed committed to learning a long the way. In the end everyone is right where there are suppose to be at that time.
Tess! I loved your suggestions here, especially the ones about sex and looking beyond the physical. In the past, I’ve been with a range of men: from my college sweetheart, to a handsome & wealthy lawyer, to a clothing model, to a rough ‘n tumble farmer-type. I’ve learned that lasting attraction comes from the inside out (not the other way around!). I’ve also learned that sex, while so much fun and necessary for my well being (being a Scorpio, it’s in my blood!), isn’t fulfilling if there isn’t a deepening connection with my partner. Sex in and of itself leaves me feeling empty. Sex when it’s about furthering a loving energy exchange, on the other hand, gives me wings!
Thank you for these great suggestions. You are the queen of good advice! Dr. Phil’s got nothing on you. (smile)
Megan,
It’s sounds like you know exactly what you need to do. Every relationship is a steeping stone in the right direction. We just have to pay attention and make the right moves. Sounds like you are doing just that!
Tess,
This is a great guide for the many people out there looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right. I think the underlying key is self-respect. I have just recently learned how to say, “no” without feeling guilty and being afraid I might lose the person I love.
When you love yourself you also respect yourself. You’re kind and gentle with yourself and learn that you truly must be your own BFF! Once we learn this we easily attract “the one.” I agree with Gail, that the person who comes into our life after we truly love ourselves and create a fulfilling life becomes the “icing” on an already delicious cake!
Angela Artemis/Poweredbyintuition´s last post…Loving Yourself to Good Relationships
Angela,
I couldn’t have said it better. We need to be our own BFF! And yes icing on the cake for sure!
Wonderful, super-guide here. Thanks so much, Tess.
Amazing how this sparked memories of the guidelines I set forth years ago for my ‘ideal mate’.
When I met my life partner, the concept of ‘twin flame’ can rushing to me. Yet, this incredible person diverged so much from the ‘must-have’ list that I so diligently created, I had to laugh ~ big time.
Allowing my heart, my higher self and guidance to lead the way ~ and trusting that whatever is in my highest good will happen ~ brought me in contact with the most perfect person, well beyond anyone I could have dreamed of.
Thanks to this powerful, if magical experience, I became a huge believer in letting go and allowing ~ a nurturing change of heart (and mind!) that continues to encourage abundance to flow on all levels of my being.
Many thanks again for these soul-nourishing reminders!
Lil / Authentic Abundance´s last post…Comment on Learning How to Breathe- Returning to Authenticity by Jim Carpenter
Liz thanks for sharing your wonderful story. And thanks for your support!
Ahhh, I guess I DID find mine, my one in 7,000,000,000. He is gentle and thoughtful. Sweet. Plans for the future. Great to laugh with.
I so agree with loving myself before I can truly love another. When I am confident in me — how can I not love my Very Significant Other — and the World!
Love is IT!
xoxoxo
Jannie Funster´s last post…The Funniest Kid I Know
Jannie,
It’s very evident in your blogging what a wonderful man you have and he’s got the beat woman as well!
Hey Tess!
Clarity is definitely a HUGE factor in finding a well fitting mate, and deciding what traits are absolutely necessary and other traits that aren’t as important. Also, going into a relationship believing that you can change the other person to become mr. perfect…is an unattainable goal. We should all focus on personal development, but learning to grow together, as independent individuals, but as a team, a support system and sharing your lives throughout this physical experience is the key!
Thanks!
Mike,
Amen!
“Become the person you would love to spend your life with.”
Great advice. So often we expect to find someone who is perfect in every area, while sweeping our own faults under the carpet. How can you expect to be with somebody intelligent if you don’t have a thirst for knowledge? How can you expect to be with a man with a great body if you can’t be bothered taking care of your own?
You’re much more likely to find the right person when you are congruent with your true self. If they are at that stage too and have the same values, you’ll be a match made in heaven.
Taz,
Thanks for your wisdom and your support. Very well said.
Hi Tess,
I agree with Evita..an e-book..a webinar..a teleclass..something to expand and share this..
I do know that my most significant, loving, transformational relationships were not ones I was looking for..I was being love, sharing love, creating in life, and then there they were. I let my heart whispers roam, and what was returned to me was magical.
Your article applies to love..and also to anything one wishes to create in life..
Awe-some Tess, purely awe-some!
Hiya Tess! I agree with everyone here. Your advice is spot on.
I completely reformed my list of “criteria” about a year ago and it became much shorter. All the physical traits I wanted got boiled down to “I find him attractive”, and I focus only on the absolute deal breakers. The Universe knows what I want, I don’t have to try to control it all.
And I absolutely agree with working on yourself. If you can’t see yourself with the man of your dreams as you are right now, he’s going going to be able to find you right now. The one obstacle I still face is that I’m still kind of thinking that I might not have enough time for him. Getting rid of that though. I will make the time, if he’s cute enough… LOL.
Hugs,
Melody
Melody | Deliberate Receiving´s last post…What Casino Dealers Know About Calming Down Angry People
Hi Tess.. i love your advices..thanks a lot..
normaly i can fall in love very easily lets say weekly..but now guys are ignoring me, not asking about me etc… how can i be a magnet again why i lost my power to attract guys around? ? am 34 and feeling i am getting old for marriage and becoming nervous about that…
? had many relationships..but than suddenly it stopped..recently nothing happens in my love life..it is like i am invisible..
no one sees me..
thnx alot for ur help and writings..
love from Istanbul..
Wow, nicely done. Thanks so much for the advise Tess. xo
great post Tess
what if he is wonderful and all of these things, calls when he says, etc, but you feel NOTHING for him? it is so sad when you have this amazing guy who is great and wants to treat you special and is just fabulous, but you feel nothing for him but friendship.
I would say to ask for guidance and be good friends if he’s willing to do just that. If it’s suppose to go somewhere it might.
Sometimes we choose partners who aren’t very nice because we’re more comfortable with that than being respected, honored and loved.