This is refreshing to read this as a parent of 2 young children I really appreciate to keep our dreams still. Mine have changed after having kids and family centric dreams are there too. I think we have to find a balance between being person that we are and as a parent both and it is possible. It is great to know you here through Tess’s blog.

It is music to my ears all that you wrote. I will echo what was said by some above, because it is such a treat to hear another person (and others) seeing and feeling the same way about the whole compromise idea.

Your line here:
“…families are all about compromise and sacrifice. I respectfully disagree.”
is brilliant!

Life can be wholesome and balanced, when WE make it wholesome and balanced. I really love the energy you resonate with in these words and message. Good for you for living out your dreams and passions, for being such an awesome inspiration to us all and for giving your family such a great adventure!
Evita´s last post…Megan Bord- A Letter To My Future Self

Thank you guys for your very kind words!

To me, owning your dreams means taking your dreams to heart and assuming full responsibility for making them reality. And I believe that means today, not “someday,” or when the kids are grown.

So the idea of putting dreams on-hold until some uncertain day in the future makes parenthood way more sacrificial than it needs to me, and probably creates a lot of unconscious resentment of the children by the parents. That cannot be good for building a solid family relationship!

Composite solutions, as I said in the post, require a lot of flexibility on everyone’s part. And, after years of quiet spousal conflict some of us can get a bit emotionally inflexible. That inflexibility can make it more difficult to suddenly be open to letting go of our entrenched points of view. Yet that is exactly what we will have to do to make composite solutions happen.

It takes a lot of mutual trust for a couple to open up and offer to surrender their old positions without any guarantee that they will be able to successfully work out a mutually satisfying solution. So, creating composite solutions is the best possible outcome, but it takes two to tango.

If your children are old enough to understand all of this, I believe that you should include them in the composite process as well. This will not only bind the family closer together, it is a healthy way for kids to learn how to solve family conflicts with their own spouse and kids someday.

When you do not see those around you as a barrier to your happiness, you are much more likely to enjoy their company. If we believe that getting along with our spouse and kids requires significant compromising of our personal dreams, it is understandable why many of us quietly simmer and end up not doing much of anything interesting with our families.

I see this as a tragedy, and hope that more trust and creativity, combined with leadership from the more visionary partner, can lead to a happier, healthier and more fulfilling family experience.

I wish all of you luck in your own relationships!

Hugh

I agree that the individual does not have to give up their dreams because of the family. I think it’s often an excuse than a real situation. It is always possible to create a win-win situation. I was creating a win-win situations with much more difficult people than my girlfriend… Of course, every family is unique and each person has a set of values, it makes the situation a little more complex, however, I am sure a solution is possible.

(just to mention, I don’t have family, so that it does not speak from practical family experience, I have a girlfriend (soon to be wife) that I love very much, and that’s it. )

I like your site Hugh, I wish you all the best on your travel adventure…

You have a unique message here, and I think it’s fabulous. May you continue to be blessed in your adventure!

The hard part is owning the dream – but not just owning it, finding it and determining if it is the dream you want. I had wonderful professional goals and dreams before I became a single mom, then I chose to change career paths and chose to spend time with my daughter to the extent possible. The dream changed in that I would love to have those professions, but my dream is to share my daughter’s life and share mine with her – to teach and learn – to explore and experience.

I know people who have let their dreams go because of the financial risk or the lack of support form a spouse or the idea that dreams are for kids and lack validity or will require a change of lifestyle…

This was a great post!!

(And I too like the composite concept. It is hard to build composites with those who like round pegs in round holes or have the “win” mentality… but it is worth striving for a composite solution)
The Exception´s last post…The Calling