How to Get Beyond Bad Luck, No Luck, and Hard Luck to Find Mr. Right

Damn seaweeds and this cliche pose, but it's obligatory.  At least they appear to be having fun..

"The definition of insanity: To do the same old things,
in the same old ways, and still expect different results." 

Are you frustrated with finding the man of your dreams? Have you given up all hope? I'm often asked, "Where do I find Mr. Right?"

You don't.

Don't waste anymore time looking for Mr. Right, instead become Ms. Right. Before you can fall in love with someone, it's necessary to fall in love with yourself.

According to quantum physics, everything and everyone projects real energetic frequencies that move out from us into the world. Each one of us is like a tiny radio station, broadcasting subtle but very real signals about ourselves.

Become aware of the quality of your energy. People with similar energy, will tune into yours and be drawn into your life. 

The quality of our future relationships depends on your energy, today. Are you broadcasting or projecting loving and radiant energy, or is your energy negative and fearful?

Are you excited about the possibility of a life partner or are you feeling desperate and discouraged? 

The way you treat yourself, is the same treatment you will receive from others.

If you are kind and loving with yourself, you will attract someone, who treats you in a loving manner.

If you constantly criticize and condemn yourself, the men you attract will do the same.

If you don't have the relationship you want, it’s important to change your energy. 

When you fill the void you feel, with love for yourself, others will love you as well and you'll meet the right person.

When your energy is needy and desperate, needy and desperate people will be attracted to you. When you have faith and hope for your future, others with faith and hope will find you.

Your journey to find ‘the love of your life’ begins within.

Instead of seeking love and validation from a partner, create the love you want by developing a profound love for yourself. 

Love attracts love. Learn to live in the flow of love by first loving yourself. Become the kind of person that is worthy of being and feeling loved.

You have the power to honor, respect, and validate yourself. Don't expect others to do what you are unwilling to do.

The greatest gift you can give to yourself, is the knowledge that you matter, no matter what. 

Think about what you want for yourself. If the energy you give to yourself, isn’t the energy you want to receive, you’ll need to make changes.

Do more than believe your lovable and worthwhile. Treat yourself that way.

Each time you make a choice ask yourself, "Does this choice honor me?"

The inner work you do will reflect the quality of your future relationships.  

"The common thread running through all pain and suffering is a feeling of unworthiness. There is a difference between thinking you are happy and feeling worthy of happiness. We often block our own blessings because we don't feel beautiful, thin, smart, and worthy enough. ~Oprah Winfrey

Write down the answers to the following questions in your journal.

Can you look in the mirror and love what you see?
Are you gentle with yourself?
Do you accept and approve of yourself?
Are you comfortable with your appearance?
Do you take loving care of yourself: mentally, physically and spiritually?
Do you berate yourself for making mistakes?
Do you enjoy your own company?
Can you sit in stillness?
Do you punish yourself?
Are you satisfied with your life?
Do you value yourself and feel good about who you are?
Are you honest with yourself?
Can you commit to better self-care?
Do you believe in your own self-worth and inner beauty? 
Do you believe you are worthy of love?

How to Block Your Blessings

Negative self-talk
Self-neglect
Closed mindedness
Judgments based on appearances and gossip
Fear of rejection
Trying to be perfect and expecting perfection
Living in the fear of the future or the pain of the past
Inability to express your needs and feelings
Unwillingness to be flexible
Lack of trust
Resentment and inability to forgive
Ruts, bad habits, and addictions
Fear of being hurt
Unwillingness to give or receive love
Depression and loneliness
Anger and resentment

Write in your journal about any barriers you have to love. 

The most important place to begin is to examine the thoughts and beliefs you hold about yourself.

It’s important to let go of those that no longer serve you. 

When your mind is filled with self-hatred, unfair criticism, and negative predictions, you create your own suffering.

Listen to your self-talk.

Be vigilant of your thoughts, let negative thoughts to go by like clouds on a sunny day. Don't get hung up on them. Rise above them. 

When you form new thoughts and beliefs, you create space in your mind and heart for new possibilities.

Instead of chasing happiness, create your own happiness. 

Write affirmations on index cards with colored markers. When you become aware of obsessions and negative thinking read your affirmations. 

Affirmations for a love-filled live 

I open my heart to opportunities for love.

I see myself and others with loving vision.

I am open to new love.

I surround myself with people who love me.

I believe things can change in the blink of an eye.

I look for and see love being expressed everyday.

I attract loving and beautiful people in my life.

I do things, I love to do.

I think, speak, and treat myself, with a loving heart.

What would your life look like if you began to honor and believe in yourself? 

When you honor and believe in yourself, you have:

Self-respect
Fun, loving, and playful energy
Self-confidence and courage
Relaxed, loving, and peaceful energy
A present appreciation of life
Spontaneity
An abundance of love to share
Happiness and joy 

Examine your own beliefs you have about finding, 'the one.' If you don't change your thinking, you won't get different results. 

Examples of beliefs that work against you:

There aren’t any good men left.

I’ll never find anyone.

You don’t understand.

I’m too old.

I give up.

I’m not pretty or smart enough.

All men want younger women. 

I’ve tried everything.

I can’t be happy until I find someone. 

Do what it takes to change your beliefs!

When you do your inner work, you create everything you need to attract a genuine, loving, intimate and committed relationship. 

Believe in your self-worth and beauty. When you decide to live a happy life in spite of being alone, you create the space for unlimited possibilities.

Doing so gives you an external irresistable glow and an internal light.

If you truly want to find a life partner, never, never give up. Have faith that things can change in an instant. 

The purpose of all relationships is to learn how to love without conditions. The most important relationship you have is with yourself. You are here to love yourself, first. 

Those of us in committed relationships need to do the same thing. If we are in a rut, if we are having problems, if we are unhappy, it's not our partner that we need to fix or change. We need to love ourselves on a deeper level.

Doing so will cause a shift within us and we will 'know' how to proceed from there, with our relationship.

My point is we all need to do the same inner work, loving ourselves from within changes everything.

Please share your thoughts and comment below! xoxo

Stay tuned for part 2 of this series!

Creative Commons License photo credit: Fro-Dol-Foe

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Melody | Deliberate Receiving May 26, 2011, 11:51 am

    This was beautiful Tess. So many people are looking for a relationship, hoping that a partner will give them something they currently don’t give themselves – essentially treat them better than they treat themselves. That never works. But when we treat ourselves with so much love that it almost becomes irrelevant if we find love, THEN, Mr. Right shows up. 🙂

    Hugs,
    Melody

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 7:00 am

      Melody,
      Exactly, it’s amazing how life works. Once we get busy doing our own work the universe responds. I think the only time it doesn’t happen is when one’s soul has a different intention. If that’s the case the it doesn’t happen and that person is happy because all is well when we love and treat ourselves in a sacred manner.

  • suzen May 26, 2011, 12:16 pm

    Hi Tess! This was outstanding! I taught women’s journal writing classes for years so this is right up my alley. I’m thrilled you are putting this up to share with everyone! EXCELLENT! You can be my teacher any day!
    hugs
    suZen

    • suzen May 27, 2011, 7:02 am

      suzen,
      I did journaling classes as well. I still love to journal myself, especially when I’m bugged by something and can’t figure it out!

  • Brenda May 26, 2011, 1:34 pm

    Tess, This is awesome! So many are looking for partners…and you have the key about loving yourself first…I am sharing this with everyone!!

    Blessings and love,
    brenda

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 7:03 am

      Brenda,
      Yes so many are and that’s why I wrote it. Thanks for your help. I appreciate you.

  • Simon Hay May 26, 2011, 1:59 pm

    Mr Right! I see lots of beautiful people who are alone and who carry the scars of previous relationships. I wonder how many centuries have we treated each other this way, that we can’t find someone to love?

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 7:05 am

      Simon,
      I would change that to…I wonder how many centuries we have treated ourselves this way…like were unlovable and unworthy. Once we love ourselves it’s hard to treat anyone else in a bad way. It’s important to keep our self love in check so we we’re feeling unlovable we tend to our own needs or we’ll fall back and attack someone else.

  • Evita May 26, 2011, 2:01 pm

    Tess, great stuff! We must fall in love with ourselves first if we are to have a top quality partner. We cannot look to be completed or have our happiness come to us in the package of a partner. We must complete ourselves and only then, can we share with another in love and life.

    Great examples of the limiting beliefs and very user friendly post. I have no doubt it can help many women out there who are interested in finding Mr.Right 🙂

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 7:08 am

      Thank you. I think this is a topic that especially has to be explained lovingly or it brings us shame. Yuk! That’s not helpful at all. Only adding to the problem. I also put at the end that I as well as other committed people are always working on the same thing.We’re all one after all!

  • Barrie/Live Bold and Bloom May 26, 2011, 2:11 pm

    Tess,
    What a thorough, useful, and enlightening post. It’s great for relationships, but applies to so many areas of life. That inner work is so important. Allowing yourself to be real, vulnerable, open, and confident is so attractive. Really great article!

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 10:46 am

      Barrie,

      Funny how women spend a ton of money on clothes and cosmetics and such to look attractive on the outside and never consider what to do to be attractive from the inside. Barrie now I think I have another post coming!

  • Tom Volkar / Delightful Work May 26, 2011, 2:12 pm

    Hey Tess, I’m happy to throw my hat into this ring since I am presently swimming in the wild waters of online dating (screen name coreguide on match.com) – just in case. 🙂

    I thought I could debate with you some on this post but as I kept reading you covered it all very well. You really hit the nail on the head when you talked about anger and resentment getting in the way of attracting true love. Here’s a bumper sticker I once read on a woman’s car. I WASN’T BORN A BITCH – MEN LIKE YOU MADE ME THAT WAY! I wouldn’t ask her out if she looked like Faith Hill.

    I’ve been diligently looking for awhile and enjoying the process. Some days it’s a challenge to love myself but you’re spot on. It’s essential. My favorite affirmation is: “I am a love magnet!” In fact Brad Yates has an excellent EFT video posted onusing this affirmation and it works.

    The biggest beliefs I see that seem to hold women back (men have different ones) are these:
    1). The scarcity theory – all the good men are taken. > Not true – look at me I’m available. 🙂
    2). I can’t really trust so I have to go slow and be cautious. > Why? Who sets these limiting rules? Sometimes throwing caution to the wind is wildly fulfilling in love.
    3). I don’t really know what I’m looking for or who. > Why not? Decide on some requirements and stick to them. When we all know what we will say yes to, it makes it easier for the whole single and looking tribe. Settling because you don’t know just wastes everyone’s time.

    Thanks for listening and for caring enough to write about love.

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 10:52 am

      Hi Tom,
      Thanks for throwing your hat in the ring. Women who have those bumper stickers have by men abused by men or they wouldn’t have them. You’re correct they repel and don’t attract.

      We all need to heal our old wounds and love ourselves, men and women alike.
      Once we do the anger aimed at the opposite sex will melt into nothingness. When I see something disturbing like that I say a prayer, offer a blessing and
      wish them well.

      I will check out the vidoe with Bill Yates. He’s one of the best!

  • Paul Strobl May 26, 2011, 2:43 pm

    Great article. In regards to the energy we put out there, I agree that there has to be some fundamental changes in how we view ourselves. The “negative frequencies” aren’t always emitted due to a desire to, but what is comfortable. What’s comfortable may be a lot of negative self-talk. Maybe a role in a dysfunctional upbringing. The good thing is that these things CAN be undone–but the first step is observing yourself and uncovering those beliefs about yourself.

    Great job in showing some practical ways to go about this.

    Best regards,

    Paul

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 10:53 am

      Paul,
      Thanks for your compliment, it means a lot. Sometimes it’s too painful to look within so we project our shadow side onto others. When we know better we do better.

  • Leah McClellan May 26, 2011, 3:16 pm

    Hi Tess, I can’t believe you posted this today because it’s the perfect compliment to what I just posted on abused women (and of course I linked to you:). This is exactly the kind of stuff I had in mind when I suggest that women don’t look for abuse, but they’re not choosing the healthy stuff either, and that has to start within. “Water seeks its own level,” and if we don’t love ourselves and expect loving behavior from others, we won’t get it.

    Great job. Oh and I’m single lol Not really looking so I’m not complaining about it! Have too much fun stuff and me work to do 🙂

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 10:55 am

      Hi Leah,
      I’m coming over to check out your article. So true, they aren’t lookin’ but don’t choose healthy relationships either. I never thought of it that way. They aren’t because they’re feelin’ unworthy.

  • Life's Little Lessons Under the Big Sky May 26, 2011, 3:57 pm

    What a great post…and not just about relationships either…”Blocking your blessings” really caught my attention. When we have learned to do these things as children it is constant awareness that is needed to interject new positive habits.

    Tess, this is so useful. I’ll look forward to reading the next part….
    Thankyou!
    Jen

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 10:57 am

      I picked blockin our blessings up from watchin’ Oprah! I’m through with that…blessing reign down on me…I’ve got my heart and hands wide open!

  • Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot May 26, 2011, 4:12 pm

    Love this, it reminds me of the saying charity begins at home…. in this case it’s love of course:)

    We women are far too hard on ourselves. Silencing the inner critic is hard. Mums, be kind to your daughters and daughters please learn to love yourself despite everything you’ve been told and subconsciously learned from friends, family and the media.

    It’s worth it. You do deserve to be loved, especially by yourself and as Tess shows here love from others stems from self-love.

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 10:58 am

      Annabel,
      Thanks for stopping by and offering us your words of wisdom. I’m grateful!

  • Sue Alexander May 26, 2011, 4:21 pm

    Hi Tess,
    I love your post ~ there is so much positive energy flowing from this! I’m working on creating more happiness by starting from within, and you’ve given me some really healing affirmations and positive reinforcement. Thank you for spreading all these good thoughts! :~)

    Sue

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 10:59 am

      Hi Sue,
      Your welcome! Every choice we make we either add happy or not to our lives.

  • Dean K MIller May 26, 2011, 4:48 pm

    Love of self is never selfish love. Blessings.

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 11:00 am

      Dean,
      Amen to that! Thanks for sharing…short and sweet.

  • Angela Artemis/Poweredbyintuition May 26, 2011, 5:15 pm

    Tess,
    This was a fabulous post. I can’t wait to read part 2. This is the real story that needs to be told. We need to love and accept ourselves first and then we will find a relationship that mirrors what’s inside us. Great, great, great!

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 11:02 am

      Ang,
      We need to give lessons on self-love and worthiness to girls pre-puberty! That would be how one could get ready for dating;)

  • Joy May 26, 2011, 6:16 pm

    Yes! Yes! and Yes!!!! Thank you, Tess for sharing this..I wholeheartedly agree! If I am “looking for love” I attract to me the void of looking..but when I am love, I attract to me love. All kinds of love on all levels..
    We are conditioned to believe there is a “one”..yet in waiting for the one we sometimes pass up amazing heart connections that could enrich our lives and our experiences. When I invest in me, I invest in the world; when I invest in heart connections, I invest in love.and out of that I may create anything I choose!
    And you absolutely *rock* with this one!

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 11:04 am

      Joy,
      I like what you say about passing up opportunities because we’re looking for perfection.

  • Tom May 26, 2011, 6:26 pm

    This is the exact reason why no guys want to date a girl who is in love with herself! It’s all about “her her her” and not “us”. It’s important to be happy with who you are (we like our girls happy and proud to be who they are), but don’t obsess over yourself or no guy will want to date you. For lack of a better term, guys call that type of girls “b**ches”.

  • Jane Rochelle May 26, 2011, 6:36 pm

    Beautiful and enlightening ~ I truly believe that we attract what we emit. I continue to learn how connected we are on a spiritual, on a cellular level. Thank you for the many suggestions for living a life of love and fulfillment.
    Hugs ~ Jane

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 11:06 am

      Hi Jane,
      Yes we attrace what we emit. Always have and always will!

  • Roshelle Brockman May 26, 2011, 7:28 pm

    Mom,
    Nicely done! Can’t wait to share….xoxo

  • Caity May 26, 2011, 8:30 pm

    This post is wonderful. Seriously. I think everyone I know needs to see it. <3

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 11:07 am

      Caity,
      Yes we all need this and then we can all sparkle like you. Seriously.

  • Joe W. - Shakeoffthegrind May 26, 2011, 9:15 pm

    Tess,

    Wonderful advice for a man or a women! Unconditionally loving ourselves is the first step to making progress in many life domains, particularly with relationships. We will let people treat us how we believe we should be treated and we all bring baggage into relationships. Dealing with our baggage and learning to love ourselves is essential to having healthy relationships full of growth. Truly great post!

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 11:09 am

      Joe,
      When we get tired of playing in our garbage we change! Garbage stinks! LOL

  • Valerie May 26, 2011, 9:19 pm

    Dear Tess,
    Thank you, I am currently in a relationship I have been in for years but I am beginning to think it is not the right one… I feel like he brings me down because he is such an angry person not that he does anything to me he is just mad at life. Now I feel sometime that I own him something because we have been together since I was 2 months peg with my son and he is the only dad my son has even known. But here recently I have been speaking with a guy from my past and even though we are both with someone we both feel that their is something still between us even after all this time. Im not sure what point I am trying to make just that I am on a quest to reinvent myself recently and I love reading your articles they make me think.

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 11:12 am

      Valerie,
      No need to feel quilt. We come together for reasons and sometimes it’s time to move on.

      I would suggest you don’t get involved with anyone else until you figure out what went wrong in the relationsip. Take at least 6 months to heal and give yourself space to see what you need to change. Or you and me and everyone will bring our garbage into the next relationship, like Joe says above.

  • Daphne @ Joyful Days May 26, 2011, 9:34 pm

    Tess,

    I copied six paragraphs of this post into my journal because it was so meaningful that I knew I had to write it down to internalise the message, and also be able to refer to it anytime I want to. You have a beautiful and loving heart and this must be why you’ve attracted so many beautiful loving and loving people to your blog! Thanks for writing this.

    Daphne

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 11:13 am

      Daphne,
      Wow I’m so glad I could give you something for your journal. Once on your blog you were writing about forgiveness. You said to become a “forgiving person.” I never forgot that.

  • Sandra / Always Well Within May 27, 2011, 12:08 am

    Tess,

    This is such a rich post. There’s so much to take away from this no matter what our age or partner status. I especially *loved* the affirmations for a love filled life. I appreciate your uplifting energy.

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 11:14 am

      Sandra,
      Thank you! I’m here to be truly helpful.

  • Lance May 27, 2011, 3:52 am

    Tess,
    This is so beautifully written – and truly applies to both men and women. How we choose to love ourselves, and how we choose to project love out into the world…that’s what we attract.

    I’m drawn to certain people because of the energetic vibe that they send out. Much like the friendships we form, which also touch upon this to some degree…

    Wonderful, wonderful piece to read…

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 11:16 am

      Lance,
      I sooo agree this is true about friendships as well. I have an easier time with hubs than I do with some friendships!

  • Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord May 27, 2011, 5:17 am

    What a great post, Tess, and well timed! The two affirmations that really grabbed hold of me were “I’m open to new love” and “I believe things can change in the blink of an eye.” Humans are highly adaptable creatures, which has its good side and its bad. The bad side of it, for me, is that when I’ve been single for awhile I begin to think that’s the norm, and to change it will require nothing short of a miracle. (smile) So I really loved your affirmation about that — and in many areas of my life, I DO expect miracles. Why should it be any different with love?

    As for being open to new love, the word “new” is what I seem to be hung up on. On the one hand, I say I want a life partner and all that goes into that. On the other hand, when faced with dating and meeting new people / getting used to their quirks or having them get used to mine, I think, “Shoot me now!”

    So I will use your affirmations (or have I already?!!) to paint a new canvas for myself. Thanks, Tess!

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 11:18 am

      Megan,
      LOL…ROFLOL I used to think ‘shoot me now’ when our kids were teens!

      Instead of looking for quirks in each other look for the opportunities you and a man would have to be kind. Turn that around my friend and get on with the dating. Be Bold.

  • Tonya May 27, 2011, 7:05 am

    I will definitely bookmark this page and come back to it whenever I need a little pep talk. Thank you!

    • Tess The Bold Life May 27, 2011, 11:19 am

      Tonya,
      Yes that would be great! Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate you.

  • Daniel M. Wood May 27, 2011, 7:41 am

    I believe it is very important to like yourself, in fact love yourself.
    If you do not it is hard for anyone else to. If you keep proving your bad sides, if you keep showing people why they shouldn’t like you they will believe you, if you never show them who you really are they will never know why they should really like you.

    It is when you start feeling pride in yourself that others can say they are proud to be your friend.

  • Alex | Perfecting Dad May 27, 2011, 11:45 pm

    Just stumbled across your site: Nice article. I too wonder why women can’t find good men. Or men find good women. Or good men and good women stay together. You may have it right about self-love, but I would add that people should stop hoping for perfection in another person. Accept yourself. Be Happy. Accept another. Be happy still. Perhaps good men and women are tough to find. Just found out today that someone I know is getting divorced after 20 years.

    Good luck on your half marathon training. I have the opportunity to run one on Sunday … should I take it (I think so!)?

  • Tatianna May 28, 2011, 1:57 am

    Hi Tess, I love your blog so much. I think I am a hot mess all around:

    Can you look in the mirror and love what you see? – At times
    Are you gentle with yourself? – Never
    Do you accept and approve of yourself? – Rarely
    Are you comfortable with your appearance? – Not at all
    Do you take loving care of yourself: mentally, physically and spiritually? – I try
    Do you berate yourself for making mistakes? – Every day
    Do you enjoy your own company? – The only company I enjoy the most
    Can you sit in stillness? – Never
    Do you punish yourself? – Every day
    Are you satisfied with your life? – Yes
    Do you value yourself and feel good about who you are? – Sometimes
    Are you honest with yourself? – Way too much
    Can you commit to better self-care? – Perhaps
    Do you believe in your own self-worth and inner beauty? – I try
    Do you believe you are worthy of love? – Yes

    Thank God I’ve been happily married for over 7 years, simply because my husband is reincarnation of Buddah LOL ( his patience is endless, no other man in the world would put up with my antics ). I wonder how I deserved such a good man?
    Thank you for the great post Tess, made me think a lot.

  • Tess The Bold Life May 28, 2011, 2:04 pm

    Hi Tatianna,
    I have the same kind of hubs! Aren’t we blessed!

  • Vitaly Tennant May 28, 2011, 8:06 pm

    What an insightful post Tess, thanks for sharing. I totally agree with all your concepts as most people can be categorized by “show me your 5 close friends and I’ll know who are”. We are what we think about, and law of attraction tends to works the same way.

  • Tammy May 29, 2011, 8:05 am

    I love that you’re bringing women to self- realization through journaling. Very powerful Tess!

  • Jayne T May 30, 2011, 2:32 am

    Totally agree with all of that. You need to be your own best partner, lover and soulmate first. But I would add a huge caveat. There are some inescapable truths when it comes to finding and securing love:

    Firstly there is a vast difference between meeting Mr Right and forming a relationship of the romantic kind with Mr Right. You may have met 100 Mr Rights by now – from your electrician to the man that fixed your light to the man that always likes your statuses on Facebook – but if you are not ready for love and even ready to recognise its potential it will always past you by.

    This part isn’t to do with self love. It’s more connected with the past and letting go. You can love yourself as much as humanely possible, but if you are always walking backwards towards your future you will never see what and who you are bumping into. If you believe there is only one path (i.e. one soulmate) to happiness and you have inadvertently stepped off that path of it or got shoved off of it then you will never even bother to look for any other.

    Popular culture has a lot to answer for. We (especially women) are conditioned to believe in The One. The One for life, that will save (even in this emancipated day and age), nuture and inspire us. We are not tutored in the fact that as there are many and varied roads to a city, from the bumpy and bone-rattling B roads to the gentle, open and speedy highways so there are many roads to romantic happiness with equally varied degrees of comfort. We instead are, mostly subconsciously, tutored that the road to love is like a Hero’s Quest – racked with pain, struggle and hopefully/maybe triumph. Songs even tell us that the height of love is ‘catching a grenade’ for someone. Whole industries are born and thrive off stories that both show how love can conquer all. But it doesn’t, not always. At least not in that ‘one’ person in that much-desired fairytale. What does conquer all is a perpetually nurtured sense of self-love combined with similarly nurtured appreciation of the present moment. If we have to dwell on anything it is best to dwell on what we have and grow that rather than dwell on what we have lost and what we perceive that we lack.

    So yes, we must learn to love ourselves, but once we have healed ourselves we must also learn to recondition our emotional closets and let go of our past and wider beliefs in regards to love and happiness.

    And then ladies just simply get yourselves out there and be happy! Not only will it find you then but you will see it.

    (btw -I really loved that line ‘there’s a difference between thinking we are happy and feeling worthy of happiness.’ I see that a lot in the positive thinking brigage)

  • Barbara May 30, 2011, 6:26 am

    This is great advice, even for one who’s coming up on 35 years of marriage, but still looking to improve relations. Since I read recently that people don’t remember what you say, but how you make them feel, I’ve been separating the people I know into the positives and negatives and asking why. I’ve been very consciously speaking positively to everyone I come in contact with, watching how much I talk about myself and limiting descriptions of my symptoms.

  • John Sherry May 31, 2011, 11:38 am

    Hope this includes Miss or Ms Right for us male singletons too Tess! Men always try to act macho and play it cool but I believe its best to be down to earth and honest dropping the false male ego. Guess for all of us it’s about being real and showing our true selves, that’s when our warmth and personality speaks volumes. But you gotta know and accept yourself cause then you self confidently shine and having nothing to prove…bar that you are ready for love. And I am!!!

  • Lillian May 31, 2011, 11:43 pm

    Hello, thank you for your so inspiring post. Everybody wants to love and to be loved. For me, love is power. Loving yourself is the power to accept what you really are and confidence to bring grace, meaning and good flow of your life. When you are confident about your self, you will also have the power and confidence to find someone you will love and love you in return.

  • Transporte de Máquinas June 1, 2011, 8:26 am

    Very inspirational post. For me the most interesting part is when you talk about how we should first create a love for ourselfs.

    That´s something specially true in my life, when I realized that I could do things all by myself and to myself, everything started to get better.

    And the best part of all this is that looks like people start to want to spend more time and to be closer to you. Funny how things tend to work when we act the proper way and stop blamming life for the bad things that happen.

  • Peggy Nolan June 3, 2011, 7:13 am

    Dear Tess,

    What a beautiful post!

    I didn’t find the love of my life until I became the love of my life. And once I got it, boy oh boy…My very first love found me…and we’ve been sharing happily ever after since 9/22/2006!

    xxoo

  • Kenneth A. Collado July 18, 2011, 8:24 am

    Yeah! what a beautiful post. Finding Mr Right is so hard to find but you have to wait until you find the best person for you!

  • tiya @ how to get a girl to like you August 23, 2011, 1:37 am

    Amazing, This article provides full positive energy and gives new inspiration to make yourself so pretty enough to love you and get your true love.

  • sarah October 22, 2011, 5:51 am

    Dear Tess..

    Thank you so much for your words. I do relise now , looking at my past that was full of abuse, heartaches,rape and failures.. all what I would call” just bad luck” that it wasn’t anyones fault but mine.I had actively participated in the creation of every second of this life.
    I was 100% engaged in creating it with all my dark thoughts and pain.I acted for years like a magnet attracting married men, cheaters and mean creepy guys. My entire focus was that these are the ones that I don’t want to be around! Had I focused on what I wanted and loved myself enough,I would’ve saved a lot of tears and aches. However, I’m still thankful for having to go through all of that. Life is a school and this is how I learned to love myself more then anything else 🙂

  • Tabuya Nawa December 9, 2011, 6:38 am

    It is now that i realise that one will feel not loved if one is not able to love and accept oneself. Remarks from friends and even the partner can make one devalue oneself. Not everyone will appreciate ones looks but individuals have to learn to love themselves and accept their potential. My past was full of pain and loss. I learned a lot from this article and ready to take the world head on. Thanx Tess.

  • E March 31, 2012, 4:06 pm

    There are so many women these days that have ZERO luck with men even if they are smokin hot cause they have this “Mr. Perfect” disease/syndrome and they refuse to effin LISTEN just simply LISTEN that “Mr. Perfect” never ever ever exists. The “Mr. Perfect” was all MADE UP PURE FANTASY COMPLETE BS FANTASY!!!! It’s like now days seriously little girls books need to put warnings on the front of little girls books in big letters saying the so called “PRINCE CHARMING” “Mr. Perfect” in books is ONLY FANTASY so girls get it through their heads when they grow up that there is NO REALITY OF THE “MR. PERFECT”. There is no stupid white horse, there will be and never will be a effin guy falling out of the sky onto your lap. Women just effin use your effin HEAD and THINK!!!!!

    Ok also the so called “bad boys”, D-Bags that so many single women fall for are simply just that, they are complete full on “D-Bags”, “Bad Boys” and those type of guys will NEVER EVER CHANGE!!! Also why the h*ll do women seriously think the “Bad Boys”/D-Bags have all this so called “confidence”?????? The “Bad Boys”/”D-Bags” have the WORST CONFIDENCE!!! If the “Bad Boys”/D-Bags were confident they wouldn’t be the complete “Bad Boys”/”D-Bags”. The guys that have the total confidence are the guys that you chicks constantly brush off and then you constantly bit*h, moan, cry beat yourselves up about where are all the “good guys” after your “D-Bag” BF, cheated on you, had/has 4 or 5 other GF’S on the side, could give a rats a** about you. Your constantly bit*hing about where are the “good guys” with a bit of “Bad Boy” mixed in??? We were right under your effin nose, we were the ones talking to you and you all of a suddenly snubbed us and told us with the emphatic nose turned up in the air with the UGH NO.

  • Mini March 25, 2013, 4:16 pm

    I have to say that this is true to a point but not always cause I see alot of positive and confident woman like myself that just don’t attract the righ men at all. Also I know alot of woman who are very negative and they have great men in their lives that really love them so I don’t really think this is true to be honest.

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